Who are you?

If we were to come face to face I’m sure the first thing we would do is introduce ourselves! However, that first introduction is merely letting me know what you go by in this world. As in, how can I identify you if I need to say your name? Or if I’m going to send you mail, how would I need to address the package to ensure it it is given to you? Our name allows us to receive a paycheck and it let’s others know what belongs to us, such as a house or car. But when I wrote the title for today’s blog, the question I asked is not EXACTLY what I had in mind! I want to know “who are you?”

See, my legal name is Linda Hutchison. When I give this name to my bank, they are able to look at the account number I give them, and as long as the name matches, I can do whatever I want with the money in that particular account! But just because somebody simply “knows my name” doesn’t mean they know who I am!

Before I tell you who I am in the here and the now, let me tell you who I used to be! I was spoiled! I was a brat! I was impatient! I was rude–to the core! I was unkind–in every way! I was negativity! And I was flat out the person that nobody wanted AND I was the person that nobody wanted to be around! Looking back, I get it! One word that would have summed me up–through childhood and halfway through my adult hood would be T.O.X.I.C! Not joking! But keep reading, because my story gets better!

Who I am NOW and the person I’m proud to be is a firecracker! In more ways than one, seems how I was born on the Fourth of July– I am loud, and I don’t mind using my voice–which sometimes gets me strange looks! I am life because I help refresh those who need a renewed energy! I am also a giver, I love to help those around me in need! I am compassion, when I see someone in need–I move and offer what I can! I am, by nature, empathetic and I feel the pain of others by hearing their stories! I am brave because I have learned to tell my story again and again! And last but not least, I have a tattoo that sums up everything about me which says: “I am…” Notice the three dots? This means I am “loved”, I am “worthy”, “I am enough”! It took me a super long time to see myself this way, which is why I have it on my right forearm so I can be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY that “I am…” and I now refuse to let anyone convince me otherwise!

So, who are you?! I didn’t ask who you “were”—I asked, “who are you–NOW?” Other than what the world calls you by, WHO ARE YOU?! To answer that I think it’s very important to make a list of the things you love to do and the truths about yourself! Then turn those actions and truths into statements about who you are! And if you don’t believe it then read it again, and again, and again until you are able to identify with the qualities that you were given! You were not born to just live and die. You were born for a purpose and a reason! If you have children–then you have zero excuses to fail this! Because they are watching YOU! And more often than not, they BECOME who you show them you are! So with your head held high, stake your claim and tell the world who you are!

The one thing that we have to be careful of, is accepting an identity that others put on us without our permission! Do NOT let people around you change who you really are by telling you who THEY say you are! I don’t care how many times they say it! If you do that, you will sink very quickly in negativity, and that is one of the hardest labels to throw off–I should know–been there done that! Haters see one side of you! And they’re going to choose to see the side they want, regardless of how many times you do things differently, or how nice you are to them! Those are not your peeps and you need to walk away and remind yourself of who you are! Walking away from a crowd is not the easy thing to do–but it’s the healthy thing to do! But it’s better to walk away a little sad than to stay and get emotionally bogged down due to the opinions of people who don’t have your best interest at heart!

So I’ll start: I am…

Now tell me friend: Who are you?

When you hate you

Oh this one might be hard to swallow! But if you’ll stick with me, it might help in more ways than one! I just dont think that I’m the only person who has sat and cried and wondered “why am I here?”, and it’s been in these moments where I’ve hated me, and everything about me! But I’m here to tell you, the only way things will start looking up is if you stop hating you!

No matter how you got on this self loathing train–what matters now is–how do you get off? It won’t be easy! And I can almost guarantee, the longer you have had these feelings, the harder it’s going to be to change your thought patterns, BUT it can be done!

When I try to remember my childhood, I can only recall the moments that were oh so haunting. I truly believe I probably should have seen some kind of doctor, but that wasn’t real common (I don’t think) when I was young! And even if being ‘diagnosed’ was normal, my parents never REALLY OR TRULY knew the hate I carried around, mainly for myself!

One moment that plays over and over in my mind is when I was about 10 years old. I had a little red suitcase that read, “going to grandma’s” and had a picture of a little girl. I was in such a deep state of depression that I packed it with as much stuff as I could get in it and I waited until dark! When everyone was in bed it was time to make my move! I was going to run away and nobody would know! Instead of following through, I sat in my room and cried. Where would I go? What would happen to me if I actually left? And my final thought that probably saved my life was, “my mom would be devasted!” Looking back, I STILL can’t truly comprehend what was going on that caused me to want to get away from everyone that I knew loved me! What I do know is, I hated myself and I felt very alone!!!

Fast forward to being a teenager, things really didn’t change much! I started drinking and did other things I’m not proud of to try to self soothe! I recall going to the cliffs with some friends and a storm rolled in, plus it was almost curfew! Basically, it was time to go! Instead of “being normal” and getting in the truck to leave, I went and hid! **I told y’all I was crazy** My friends called out and were looking everywhere, but I hid well. I didn’t want them to find me. And I didn’t care if they found me. I eventually got scared enough to come out and we left. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident! Disappearing when I went out with friends was pretty common! Yes, part of the reason I did it was for attention! But the main reason? I didn’t want to be! I wanted to be “gone”! But (thankfully) I wasn’t brave enough to cause harm to myself. The pain and hurt that comes with hating yourself, leaves deep scars that really never heal (at least for me)!

Moving on! I got married pretty young. I pushed for a marriage to get out of the house because I hated my life! And for some reason, I felt if I started something new, my life would be this fairy tale and everything would be great! Well, if you’ve followed my blog, then you know that isn’t how things have gone! I shamefully tell you, I continued to hate me and because I hated me, I made sure others around me did to! In fact, I sabotaged and manipulated every situation I could to make sure nobody else was happy either! My latest episode consisted of me “defriending” family (mine and Ryan’s) on Facebook because I was done. I burned A LOT of bridges over the last several months because I was unhappy with myself and my life! I was ready to get a divorce because I mentally couldn’t take the hurt and the pain that I felt anymore! **My husband gratefully agreed to love me through it and we are continuing to work things out!

I’m here to tell you, things CAN be better! But it takes a whole lot of work! I decided to start seeing a counselor about 5 years ago and it has proven to be ONE of the things that saved my marriage! I also decided to talk to my doctor and I do take medicine to help me cope with life a little bit better than I can do on my own!

I tell you my story so that I can give others hope. I tell you my story to help end the stigma that help is a sign of weakness! And I tell you my story to let you know, you’re not alone! My entire life I have felt pain that NOBODY should have to to go through! Staying silent will only prolong the darkness you carry inside! If you hate you, reach out to someone! If you dont have anybody you can trust–reach out to me! I’ve been there! I know the pain! And I won’t judge!

Please, stop hating you! Get the help you need! You are here for a reason! There IS a purpose for your life! You DO have loved ones that would be completely devasted if you left! Not many will understand the hurt and the pain that you carry, but some will! You might be surprised at how many people actually KNOW this type of pain because they’ve been in OUR shoes! In the end, it is up to you! You can continue to carry the hurt on your own, or you can reach out and start to heal! Choose wisely! Life is short!

The big ideas in marriage

Well let me start by saying, I am by far an expert when it comes to marriage! In fact, if you’ve read ANY of my other post you’re probably wondering what in the world I could say on this topic that would be helpful! Am I right? I mean, I’ve put myself on the line by sharing stories that portray what level of crazy I’m on! But hey! If you’re still here, keep reading! Might say something useful!

Don’t be jealous! Hear me when I tell you this…….jealousy will cause a divide quicker than you can count to ten! When I started dating my spouse, I didn’t think I was a jealous person! All it took was for him to say hi to one female and I realized real quick I had this whole other personality! What makes this story even better……the female he said hi to…..was our 14 year old neighbor! Yeah……but that’s not all! I got so mad, I stormed out of Walmart and told him I would walk home! At the time, home was approx 20 miles away AND it was straight up dark outside! You gals, girlfriends, wives…….save the jealousy for when another woman WANTS your man, not when a TEENAGE GIRL says hi to him! He is with you, because he loves you! Spare yourselves some time wasted on thinking that he is even giving somebody else a second look!! In reality, he is wondering how to buy that really nice scope so he can drop a big one come deer season! Let it go my friends!

Dont hold grudges! The quicker you can forgive AND apologize when mistakes are made–AND THEY WILL BE MADE–the less likely you will fall into the realm of blame! Early on on our marriage I would shut down and go for a week without saying a word to my husband if he made me mad! In the long run, I hurt myself! Because in reality, I so bad wanted to communicate with him! I wanted him to hold me! I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay! But I refused to let him “win”! Listen…….you both lose in a situation like this, and there are no re-do’s!

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!!! If you have to literally do this to keep from saying something uncalled for, then do it! And years from now you can help others with your ridiculous story of how that helped you! But for the love of everything good, do NOT use your words to hurt each other! It is NOT worth it! And the only thing that will come from spewing out the hate will be those grudges I juts spoke about! No matter how sorry you are–the hurt stays! No matter how many times you say, “I didn’t mean it”, you won’t be believed! And no matter how far you go to try and make it up, the words will NEVER be forgotten!!! So if you can’t say something nice, then zip it!

Reveal your past! Man! If only someone had told me that I need to share all the hurt and pain that I was not only holding onto, but was hiding, it MAY HAVE kept me from having this emotional breakdown 15 years into our marriage! Looking back, I placed a lot of blame on myself for the things that had been done to me! One example, when I was 14 my BIL decided he would feel me up in the middle of the night! Even as I type this, I look back and ask myself what I could’ve done to prevent that from happening! So do yourself a favor and have those hard deep conversations! Hopefully this will save you some emotional despair later on!

Say NO when necessary! My family will tell you I’m spoiled! They will tell you that I was never told no! And they may be 85% right! For 8 years I was the baby out of 3! So all I had to do was go to my mom-usually! Then I married someone who wanted to make me happy on every level! So he really didn’t tell me no either! He tried it once and it didn’t end too well! **cough cough** Looking back, he should’ve told me no a hell of a lot more than he did and just stood his ground! Im pretty sure I got about 4 new vehicles in our first 6 or 7 years of marriage! You want to know how we afforded to do that? We DIDN’T!!!! We literally continued rolling THOUSANDS of dollars over EVERY SINGLE TIME! And don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t just vehicles that caused financial hardships! But this dude didn’t want the wrath of Linda to come flying in on a broomstick, so he did whatever I asked, no matter the cost! Not cool! In the end, saying no will benefit you in more ways than you can see right now!

Build each other up! Listen up! THIS IS A MUST! Im not just talking about when it is you two having a conversation either! When you’re mad, sad, disappointed or just don’t have good things to say, then hush until you heal! When you put each other down, even if it is to your friends, you are undoing everything you have worked for in your marriage! You cannot go around speaking hate, to or about, your spouse and expect to build a bond that won’t break! Your words either hurt or heal your marriage! There isn’t a 3rd option! How you portray your spouse to your friends is how he/she will be perceived! So when you have a small tiff then you go run your spouse into the ground, there is no convincing your friends that he/she really is a good person! Every word you speak matters!

I know giving advice is so much easier than following it! Because if im honest, others did give me advice! I had wonderful role models who did everything they could to steer me in the right direction, I just didn’t listen! I’ve always been hard headed, and unfortunately it hasn’t always worked in my favor! It really doesn’t matter if you’ve been a couple for 2 months or 52 years, you both have to try! You both have to want it! And you both have to give grace when mistakes are made! So take my advice or leave it, but either way, I wish you well on your journey!

Stay strong & Keep go;ng

I dont know who needs to read this today, SO I’m here to remind you that you are strong and you need to keep go;ing! Not just for yourself, but for your friends and family, who love you unconditionally, and would be devastated (to the core) if you were to give up!

Life can be hard! It can straight up be (what seems like) too much for you to bear! But the truth is, whatever giant you are facing, it will not be around forever! Promise! Instead of looking at life and wondering “what if ‘this or that’ happens”, take care of what you can in the here and now. Worry will only prolong your misery–been there done that–AND it typically doesn’t change the circumstance anyways! So find a way to kick it to the curb!

Something that has helped me in the past is to focus on what I have to offer, then find a way to help others! For me, when I need to stop dwelling on what is happening directly to/around me, I become a prayer partner for someone else. Praying and believing for others allows me to shift my eyes from my own troubles to standing in the gap and holding others up, who may be on the brink of giving in! I don’t mean I just randomly go around saying a prayer (or two) here and there for those around me–I mean–I buckle down and spend some serious time with God on someone else’s behalf (usually a friend–but not always)! I’ve spent many a mornings crying out to God to move in different situations–and for different people–and at some point I realize that my own giant has been long gone! Oftentimes, I didn’t see it leave or fall because I wasn’t using my time to stare it in the face 24/7! So, how can you help others? What do you have to offer those around you? How can you spend your time other than worrying about something that doesn’t even have a 90% chance of happening? If you can, go find a way to make someone else’s day run a little smoother!

“It could always be worse” tends to be a common saying we hear from others when we try to share our struggles! AND please hear me–LOUD AND CLEAR– that is NOT what I’m saying! I have been on the other end of the prayer thing! I have absolutely, so many times, needed to be the one receiving the prayers because I forgot how to do it on my own when things looked bleak! And if this is you, I will be your prayer partner! I will stand in the gap FOR YOU! But this is where you need to stay strong and keep go;ing! Whatever you do, don’t give up! Don’t wonder away, don’t become a recluse, and do NOT, FOR ANY REASON make a plan that doesn’t include you!!! If you are considering any of these–get help! Call a friend! Call a family member! And if you feel like you have neither–call me!!! Talk to me!! But no matter what…..stay strong and keep go;ng!

Letting others in can be the hardest thing to do! But if you’ll trust me and share your struggles, you’ll be surprised at how much weight is lifted off of your shoulders! You’ll (probably) be even more stunned at how many other people can relate to you! All it takes is stepping out and sharing with one person–that’s it! You don’t HAVE TO go through life alone, so don’t! Let others be there for you! Just remember, stay strong and keep go;ng!

Mental health-common truths and lies–

I guess it needs to be said that I am not a doctor of any sort! Everything I write is MY opinion! Everything I write is also my journey and how things have been for me! With that, here are some truths, and lies, that I (PERSONALLY) have encountered in my 41 1/2 years of life concerning mental health!

My journey with mental health started as far back as I can remember. Basically, I dont remember any moments in my life where mental health didn’t play a factor. I’m a pretty scarred person and looking back, I needed some serious intervention! And even though I showed a lot of signs of needing help, beyond my parents control, my behavior was written off as “being a teenager”! All I can do now is help raise awareness of mental health issues by sharing what has and what has not helped me!

1. Expecting those who battle mental health to be able to just “get over it” or “move on” is one of the biggest mistakes society makes. UNFORTUNATELY there is not a switch that allows us to look past the situation, in that moment, and know everything will be okay in the end! If it were that easy, (I belive) that suicide would no longer be an option for people who struggle with mental health. And yes, I have lost a friend to suicide! I firmly belive if had seen another way out, he would have taken it! We have to do better at listening and giving advice when others around us are talking! We need to listen to understand instead of listening to respond! Stop saying “it will be okay”! Instead ask, “how can I help?” because knowing we have someone ready to act on our behalf allows us to mentally take a breath and see beyond the here and now.

2. People who struggle with mental health are not “faking” it! They are not using it as excuse! They do not WANT to have a meltdown when things get hard! These things just happen! I have had too many meltdowns, as an adult and IN PUBLIC to count! But in the moment of it happening, I didn’t care what kind of fool I was being! I knew all eyes were on me, and I was (somewhat proud) because afterall, I wasn’t taking anybody’s crap! But as soon as the moment passed, I felt remorse and embarrassed, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! And it’s not that I didn’t want to apologize! But how many people were going to take an apology serious after they watched me act worse than a 2 year old who needed dinner, a diaper change, and a nap?!?! Think about it! Apologies are a good after thought, but there’s always the chance that those who don’t understand what just happened will begin to criticize our actions again and again! No thank you! So before you DEMAND an apology, let it come naturally! And when it does come, be kind! Afterall, when the apology comes on its own–it is sincere!

3. Mental health does not look the same for everybody! Yes, some people who are dealing with mental illness are quiet, maybe standoff”ish”, and even labeled (BY OTHERS) as weird or awkward! First of all, STOP DOING THAT! Second of all, if someone is showing these attributes, maybe they just lost their spouse of 50 years. Or maybe they just buried their newborn who didn’t make it. And goodness forbid, maybe they just don’t like judgmentmental people and want to be left alone–this is totally my husband! But the opposite is also true! Not everybody will be this quiet, sad and somber person! They won’t necessarily be tripping over their bottom lip, and it’s even possible that they go through life without having daily meltdowns! But I’m here to tell you that, not everybody who smiles and is good at socializing is free from dealing with the pain that comes with mental illness! For me, I loved being the life of the party……but when all was quiet and nobody was around, I hated who I was and constantly questioned my purpose in life! This is WHY kindness is so necessary! You just don’t know who is or is not dealing with one, or even more, mental illnesses! May our words be uplifting to those who cross our paths!

4. Last, but not least, just because you can’t “SEE” a mental illness does NOT mean it isn’t real!!!! We HAVE to move beyond this lie! In no way is it your job or mine to tell someone they aren’t ____ (fill in the blank)! Just like you can’t “see” other diseases such as cancer or diabetes, you can’t see if someone is/has depression, bpd, ptsd, a panic or anxiety disorder!!! It doesn’t matter if you can see it or not–IT IS REAL!!!! Be thankful you don’t know what it’s like if you have to question someone who tells you they have it! Be thankful you don’t know how deep depression can take you! Be thankful you don’t know what it’s like to have so much trauma that you question everybody’s actions around you! Be thankful that you can walk into a room and blow off someone’s hurtful comments instead of turning into Satan’s sister because you TRULY have NO CONTROL over how you react and before you can get a grasp on reality you’ve all but devoured the person who set you off and anybody who laughed at what they said! Be thankful! Because living life like this day after day is exhausting!

Mental health/illness is all around us! Sometimes we know when others are struggling, but more often than not, we don’t! We truly have no idea who is or isn’t affected by a mental health issue! We have NO CLUE how many people are already being the very best version of themselves that they know how to be! So help me end the stigma that mental illness is a choice–because its not!!!

Don’t bleed on others

It would be absurd for me to ask if you’ve ever been hurt by others, so I won’t. But what I will ask is, how much of a wall did that hurt cause you to put up? Who have you pushed away because of the pain caused by someone else? And most importantly, how long will you continue to bleed on others?

Putting up walls, holding grudges, and bleeding on everybody who had NOTHING to do with my pain has been my specialty! I know, not cool! The sad thing is, I really didn’t realize where all my pain was coming from until I hit about 35! I had so many years of pent up hurt and had kept it tucked away in my own little side pouch of my heart, that I never realized how important it was to talk about it–so I didn’t! Instead, I carried it around and I bled on anybody that dared get close to me! Their intentions (good or bad) didn’t matter! If I was going to be in (emotional) pain, so were they! The worst part about this story is my husband most definitely has been the one on the receiving end and has endured more wounds than he really signed up for!

For many years my husband tried to stop me from bleeding, but nothing worked. It was almost as if the more he tried to love me, the more I would spew out disdain, because afterall “how dare he care about me!” And bless his heart, he truly had no idea what level of crazy I was–and to be honest, I didn’t either–until it was almost too late! What I do know now is, I continued to bleed on him because I kept pulling off the band-aid! I refused to let my hurt heal! It was like I was addicted to the hurt and the pain, and no amount of his love was going to fix me! So I did the only thing I knew to do–I kept picking the scab! Ya know, the scab keeps all of the dirt out and heals your wounds while keeping it covered! Well, I kept pulling the scab off and bleeding on the one person who was trying to help me–my husband!

So who are you bleeding on? Who is trying to help you heal, but you refuse to let them put the band-aid on? Who is doing everything they can to protect your wound, but you continue to pull off the scab and stain their heart? Who is that ONE person that is trying their best to put your pieces back together by using a tourniquet, but you have refused to let them secure it?

Right now would be a really good time to realize that help is being offered, before it’s too late! I came really close to bleeding out, because of stubbornness! ** How lonely that would’ve been** Looking back, I can see where I left blood stains on my journey! But I can also see where there are patches of dry spots from when the blood had been stopped–although, that was ALWAYS temporary, and those dry spots are few and far between!

So I’m pleading with you–stop bleeding on those who didn’t cut you! Stop allowing your blood to stain the hearts of the ones who love you the most! Let others use all the band-aids, cloths, and tourniquets they have and just rest in peace knowing that it really will be okay! Be rest assured that your heart CAN mend, but it is a choice! Choose healing! Choose love! Choose peace! Choose to be an overcome and choose to NOT bleed on others!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E–it could never happen to me

FULL DISCLOSURE–my husband reads everything before it goes viral–so yes–he knows this is out there! Yes, this is hard for us both! Yes, people will judge! No–I don’t care! I firmly believe that A: starting this blog has tremendously helped me in a really weird way. B: I believe everything I write is helping others! And perhaps not every single post will resonate with you specifically, but I do believe when it finds its way to others–it can be a sense of relief! So grab your coffee and have a sit! This one could get long!

When I hear other people say, “I would NEVER do that”or “I would never forgive them if”…..it is a little bothersome. Why? Because nobody is perfect! Nobody is exempt from mistakes and therefore, nobody is exempt from needing to forgive others! And yes, this post will be geared more towards spouses, but for the record, it is true no matter the relationship!

I’m going to be very raw here…..my marriage isn’t perfect! I know, you’re all shocked and can’t believe it! But it’s true! We have had so many ups and so many downs! I almost feel like, at one point, there were a whole lot more downs than ups! But that’s the thing about marriage–there isn’t a finish line!  You never reach a point where, once you reach a certain “anniversary” and number of years married, then it’s smooth sailing from there! It’s ALWAYS going to be work! It’s always going to require sacrifice from both parties! And like it or not, you’re BOTH going to mess up from time to time!

I use to think once couples had been married for 20 years or so that they had it made. They must living the dream! And I certainly (in my younger years) would have NEVER imagined that someone who had been married that long would end up…..deep breath……divorced! But the cold hard truth is, the love that people have for each other sometimes fade! Sometimes it fades because of pain that one or both parties have caused. Sometimes it fades due to lack of communication! And sometimes it fades because one or both people just stop trying! But the thing is, NOBODY is for a fact exempt from this happening! N.O.B.O.D.Y! Including you! The one reading! Never say never! It’s a hard lesson to learn! And crow doesn’t taste very good–I should know!

Obviously if you’ve hung around to this point you are wondering what my story is! I’ve said in numerous blogs that I won’t write about something I haven’t been through! So here it goes! I met my husband at 18 1/2 and we married when I was 19 (turned 20 one month later). He is 4 1/2 years older. And for the record it needs to be said–I was very, VERY immature! In no way, shape, or form was I ready to be a wife! But nevertheless, there I was…..a bride……walking down the isle! If only we had known what the future would hold for us–I’m pretty sure we both would have ran the other way–far and fast! But we didn’t! Instead, we looked each other in the eye, repeated all of the lines the preacher gave us and in the end we both said, “I do”! I wish I could say everything has been peaches and roses since then, but it hasn’t!

In no way has my husband been perfect! But in no way has he been 100% to blame! And since I’m being real, I would say the ratio of ‘who has been hurt’ verses ‘who has done the hurting’ would probably be something like 80/20! You read that right! 80% of the time, I have been the one who has done the hurting! On purpose? Sometimes (I told you I was “VERY” IMMATURE”)! Why? Well, I’ve been in counseling for about 5 years and I’m still working through that one! But my husband will be the first to know when there’s a definite answer! And maybe that sounds like the easy way out–well–good thing I dont have to answer to you! The purpose for this particular blog is to let you know–things might be hard right now, but there is hope! I also want to encourage both parties to never give up! Whether you caused pain or you need to forgive for the pain you’ve been through–PLEASE DONT GIVE UP!

**IF you are in an abusive relationship–get help and get out!!!! That is most definitely, not love!!!

I won’t go into every little thing that I’ve done wrong! But I will straight up be honest and tell you, my immaturity and mistakes have put us on the brink of divorce –more than than once since our marriage in May of 1999. Ryan has chosen to continue to stand by me even though I’ve been an addict to something (alcohol, prescriptions, self sabotage, bpd, depression) our entire marriage! And he deserves a whole lot more than I can offer him, but he chooses to stay–that is pure love!

The REALLY hard part about our marriage is how many times I have hurt him or let him down! Each and every time I end up saying, “I’m sorry” and “I’ll get help” but I continue to hurt him over and over! And during those times, I really was sorry AND I really did get help through my counselor! It’s when I think I’m okay and I stop my medicine aka counseling, when things go down hill, AGAIN! Don’t stop reading now, because I’m fixing to make you feel really good about your decisions!

The last “episode” I had was this past October! I came down with the Rona and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It started with a slight ear infection and in less than 10 hours I was crawling on the floor to get to my bath because I was freezing! To spare time, let’s just say that Ryan ended up with it as well! In order to prevent the boys from catching it, they moved out for 2 weeks! Once the rona passed, we were still quarantined and this is where everything we had fell off the wagon!

We had known we needed to call our t.v provider to get an update on our equipment. We had it all set up, then covid! As we are continuing to lose channels daily I asked Ryan, “when are they coming out to fix our t.v?” And he responds with, “soon I hope”! Now listen, I told you I was going to make you feel better–and I am! When he said those words, KNOWING he had NOT rescheduled, I lost it (on the inside)! Keep reading! We exchanged a few words and I left to grab food. When I come back home he proceeds to tell me how he scheduled for them to come and I ignored him! This happens several times and I finally lost every bit of dignity I had and told him to *********! Use your imagination! All of those mean, hurtful, ridiculous words over a TV appointment! From there, the last 20 years that we had spent together went spinning down the drain and neither of us tried to stop it! We were both tired of trying and forgiving each other, so we both sat and watched everything we had worked for disappear before our very eyes! Did we seriously come to the topic of divorce over a tv appointment? Not exactly! That just happened to be what made the tower of hurt topple over, and it came down with a vengeance!

From October to December we spoke a total of 3 times! Do the math–that is ONCE A MONTH! We were both done and we literally said nothing to each other to the point where we would have 2 gallons of milk because we each went to the store but didn’t tell each other (I DO NOT recommend this)! It was a really somber 3 months of living in the same location, but living different lives all at the same time! I even went as far to post our house and land for sale on Facebook! And if that wasn’t enough, I contacted his family and told them we were done and we were getting divorced! I was done! He was done! There was NO HOPE and no turning back! We were both damaged and no brand of glue was going to hold our pieces together! It was a lost cause!

Over Christmas break–like end of the year–New years eve maybe–we had a sit down! I kept trying to make plans to find another place to go so we had to communicate at that point. After a lot of yelling, anger, and tears I told him I just wanted a fresh start! A redo! Ya know, to make things right! And to my surprise, he agreed! But before we could just “move on” we had to have several REALLY HARD conversations! They were mostly centered around my (hurtful) actions AND my immaturity (at the age of 41 1/2)! **talk about embarrassing** when I told you it was 80/20, I wasn’t lying!

Now here it is February of 2021 and I’m telling my readers why you should never say never in your marriage! The hurt I’ve caused Ryan is pure hell! And this isn’t really even half of it! But what I’ve learned is, marriage is hard! Marriage is a whole lot of work! And it most definitely takes two to keep it going! Although this particular story doesn’t end in a D.I.V.O.R.C.E, it very easily could have! Every day we both have to commit to being married and to handle each other with love!

I dont know that we would be able to make it through another episode like the one I just told you about! I count myself blessed that Ryan was willing to look beyond every fault and crazy moment and give me a redo! Not many men would! I know what I have, and more importantly, I know what I ALMOST lost! I’m here to tell you, it can happen to anybody! Never say never–because that train ride will take you through every deep dark tunnel there is! And it goes so fast that it’s hard to jump off and the landing will hurt more than the ride itself!

I imagine I’m getting judged pretty harshly by some of you right now–and that’s okay! Im not married to you, so no hard feelings! I’ve said from the beginning of my blog, I’ll always be honest and I’ll never write on something I haven’t been through myself! So if you managed to stay until the end, I want to encourage you, keep going! Keep fighting for what you have! Don’t just give up and let go! Hang on to what you have! If divorce has already come and gone, then pick up your pieces and start putting them back together. If you need a friend–I’m here! I can’t give advice through the final stages, but I can lend an ear and share more pieces of my journey that I chose not to put in this particular post! In the end, you will be okay! I promise you that! But never say never…..

Leaving a legacy

Like it or not you will be remembered by your legacy! The good news is, you get to choose what kind of legacy you leave behind! And maybe you’re one of those people who don’t care what others think about you, now or when you’re gone! And that’s okay! This blog may not be for you, but feel free to hang around!

My mom, my best friend, gained her wings on October 18th, 2018! I remember every detail that surrounded that day! My heart was in agony because I so badly wanted her healed on this side of heaven, but at the same time, I had peace because I knew she was made whole! But one thing about that day that stands out, is how my family and I spent a huge part of the day after she took her last breath! When it comes to planning a funeral, things tend to go quickly, so I pulled out a box of pictures that mom kept tucked away in her closet to start on the ones we wanted to use for the slide show. And I’m telling you, EVERY SINGLE PICTURE had a story! Seriously, there was nothing but laughs because that’s how my mom was! She was known for her infectious laugh and her complete goofiness on a daily basis! She loved to play tricks on others, she was directionally challenged (this was the best), and she would take you down just to say she tried (she didn’t care if she lost)! Was my mom perfect? She was so far from it, but she was perfect for our family! Probably the best story ever is when she crawled under a rack at Walmart to pinch someone on the hiney because she thought it was her best friend! Well, it wasn’t and here she was at the age of 38 on the floor while her child was calling for her in the basket! Thankfully, no charges were filed and the emotional damage she caused the stranger was minimal!

I’m sure there are people who could/would give you a different version of my mom! And don’t get me wrong, she most definitely had another side to her! The side that no one wanted to see, ever! But in my opinion, the true legacy of a person is how their loved ones remember them! Not their enemies! I could go on and on about my mom and reminisce with story after story! But I’ll save the best ones for another day!

When I examine my own life, I often wonder how will I be remembered? And I have to admit, I’ve been a pretty difficult person who continues to make mistakes every day! I look at how I’ve treated people, how I’ve carried myself in public, and what kind of wife/mom I’ve been! And the truth is, I’m ashamed and embarrassed on different levels regarding all of those! Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe! But what I DO know is, I want to be remembered as someone who left her mark on this world! I want others to be proud that they knew me! Much like my mom, I want to be remembered as this person who had a big personality, loved life and wasn’t afraid to live it to the fullest! I want to go out like I came in, with a bang! Afterall, I wasn’t born a firecracker for no reason!

So what about you? What kind of legacy will follow you? How will you be remembered? And do you want others to pick up where you left off because you have conquered life and conquered it well? Or do you have higher hopes and bigger dreams for those you will (eventually) leave behind? If your answer was part B, then it’s not too late, yet! Ask yourself what it is that you need/want to change, then do it!

Addictions

What do you think of when you hear the word addiction? Drugs? Alcohol? Gambling? Those all fall under that category, right? Afterall, an addiction is something you choose not to stop or give up easily on your own. I mean, just don’t go to the casino. Just stay away from people who sell or do drugs. Just pass the liquor store and keep driving. But is it REALLY that easy? Because I think we tend to use the word addiction ONLY when we can see the effects from the outside looking in! But in my 41 years of life I’m beginning to realize that an addiction doesn’t always mean alcohol, drugs or gambling! No, I think everybody has an addiction to something, regardless if they want to admit it or not! Maybe I’m wrong! Maybe there are some people out there who never struggle or battle with anything. I sure would like to be their best friend right now so I could walk through this journey, called life, a little easier!

I never would have imagined that I would be talking about addiction. Mainly because it was never anything I dealt with (so I thought), therfore I had no room or reason to comment! But at the age of 41 and having a lot of time to self reflect, I realized that I CAN offer up advice, because I HAVE been an addict myself. And I’d be willing to bet you have too. It’s very possible that my struggles and yours look very different though. But either way, if we are both real with ourselves, there will always be something that we struggle with (past or present), and need help letting it go!

I’ve always been honest so there’s no need for me not to be right now. I have been (at times) addicted to alcohol. And looking WAY back, I realize that I have also been addicted to pills (mine were always prescription–because that makes it better somehow)! But that’s not the reason for THIS particular blog. You see, I’ve also struggled and (dare I say) I have been addicted to depression, anxiety, bpd, and the list goes on. And before you get mad at me for saying those things are an addiction please listen…….FOR ME…..they were addictions! How, you ask? Because I didn’t WANT to fix myself because I used ALL of those to self sabotage so I would get attention. Admitting I needed help would have meant that I could no longer play the victim of my circumstances. I LITERALLY was addicted to the need for attention–and unfortunately, I was addicted to the need of negative attention. Yes, I’m ashamed and embarrassed–but I can’t change the past and I’m hoping this helps someone! You see, anytime there was positive energy around me–I ALWAYS found a way to disrupt it! Why? Because I was addicted to the need of having others ask, “what’s wrong?”! I was addicted to the depression and bpd and I had zero interest in getting help in order to be a better person! And like an addict who is on drugs, everybody around me knew I was toxic–and sometimes they would point it out–and that’s when I would cut them from my life! That’s how I lived my life for a VERY LONG TIME! Because I didn’t want to admit the truth–I was an addict!

Now that I take meds and I am able to recognize when the depression and anxiety is coming on, I’m able to prepare myself beforehand. I don’t always get it right, and I still have my days where I let it conquer me, but those days are few and far between! The most important thing right now is, I’m trying! I’m trying to be better than the person I was so many years ago, but I’m also trying to be better than I was yesterday! And everyday, IT IS A CHOICE! A hard one at that! So, I have to choose if I’m going to succumb to the addictions, or if I’m going to put them down and walk away one day at a time!

By now, those of you who have been fortunate enough to have NO IDEA what any of this is like, then I would ask you, what is YOUR addiction? Maybe yours is shopping and running credit cards up ✔, or constantly overeating ✔, perhaps yours is the opposite and you’re addicted to working out ✔, or maybe you’re a workaholic ✔ and you need to learn to say no. Maybe, just maybe, you’re addicted to a very high self-esteeem and bragging or showing off ✔ . There’s even a chance that your addiction is going anywhere except home ✔! And for goodness sake, maybe your addiction is Facebook ✔ ✔ ✔ or another form of social media! If you remember, at the beginning I told you an addiction is anything you can’t or choose not to stop on your own. And I could add to that and say an addiction is ANYTHING that you put before your family! So what is yours and what steps do you need to take to lay it down? Who do you need to lean on for help? Who can you share your journey with knowing you won’t be judged? If you have no one, then contact me! Because if that’s the case, what a better place to start? A stranger who has been in your shoes and has no reason or need to judge you!

If you truly cannot name anything that you see as an addiction, ask your friends and family what they see you putting all of your work, time, and energy into that you need to scale back on. If you’re not ready for an honest answer, then don’t ask! Here is where a self evaluation would probably be the best! You recognizing/admitting where you need improvement will help you in the long run. Make sure you give yourself some grace when you find the area(s) of weakness(es). Regardless if your addiction can be seen by others or if it’s one you have kept in the closet, you CAN lay it down, if you want to! But it has to be your choice! In the end, you’ll be thankful you did it sooner rather than later!

Be the one who stays…

When times are tough, when things get hard, and when everyone else leaves, be the one who stays!

Because I dealt with depression/anxiety/self-loathing and more throughout my entire childhood, it was rather hard for me to make friends. I was THAT person– the person that nobody wanted! I was the last person chosen–in everything! I was the reason conversations stopped when walking into a room! And I was the one who just was NOT included–in anything! And with the exception of like 3 people (2 are sisters–the other is my Hound Dog and I’m her Fox), I just wasn’t real liked. I always carried a lot of negative energy and that P.R.O.B.A.B.L.Y had something to do with it! But nevertheless, only 3 people were willing to stick with me during my ups, my downs, and ALL through my crazy! Looking back, they are the 3 that would help me cover up a crime if I asked! Jkjk–maybe! For real though, they’re the ones who chose to stay!

I bet while you were reading, no less than 3 people popped into your head! No, the other 3! The ones who others DO walk away from. The ones who REALLY need a friend, but they are a little difficult. The ones who ARE very needy and draining, but they have nobody else to turn to! Those are the ones I want you to focus on! Why? Because I’ve been in their shoes, and I’m willing to bet that at some point in your life, you have too! Grant it, you probably haven’t been as familiar with solidarity as I have, because after all your not my level of crazy! But I’m willing to lay down some dough, that you really do know what it’s like to wear those shoes! It isn’t fun! It doesn’t bring warm fuzzy feelings! And honestly, it just down right sucks! So be the one who stays!

NOW, think of the ones who have stayed and been there for you! How would your life be different had those people walked away when things got rough! What would you have done without them? I know, you would’ve made it through somehow–right? Well, not everybody is able to! Not everybody can stand on their own 2 feet when others choose or decide to walk away! And for goodness sake, not every person is able to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so they take the only way out that they can think of! And let me tell you…I don’t think there is anything worse than losing someone who “seemed happy ” or “was always smiling”! Unfortunately, I do know what that’s like, and I’ll be damned if I allow myself to walk away when I could’ve been the one who stayed!

For me, I really don’t want to think about how my life would be different had it not been for the ones I mentioned earlier! Afterall, I hit some pretty deep lows–and I understand more about loneliness than I care to talk about! So if you’ve never had that feeling–be thankful! Be thankful that you’ve never had to debate if anybody cared! Be thankful that loneliness, depression, or sadness wasn’t able to grip you so hard that you had to wonder if it things would be better if you were gone! And for the love of everything good, be thankful that you’ve had people who chose to stay!

Thankfully, as an adult, I have been able to add a few more people to my list of the ones I can count on! These are friends that have NEVER judged me, even after hearing my story–most people run! These are the friends who I could call right now and they would do whatever they could to help, without asking questions! And these are the ones who, without a doubt, will always be there–I know this because they could’ve ran a long time ago!!! So a big thanks dear friends for keeping my head above water when I got too tired to swim! You know who you are and I thank God for allowing us to cross paths!

To my mom’s best friend for life: thank you for being the one who stayed!!! She loved you more than you’ll ever know! You are what kept her going!!! I love you big!!!