Falling short:

Man! Many moments in time come flooding in when I stop and reflect on certain moments in time that have meant so much to me! Yes, I have moments from my own childhood that I look back on and wonder “what if”, but these days it is more about watching my own children having to bear the burden of losing an important game or competition! And yes, I realize that winning isn’t everything, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a little when they fall short! When they fall short of something they’ve poured their hard work, sweat, and tears into day after day…….it hurts!

I literally watched a game thriller tonight! My hometown has made it to the state playoffs 3 years now in basketball! In 2018 my niece was a senior and her and her team went undefeated their entire season! But their dreams were shattered when they took a big loss during their playoff game! In 2020 this same team made it to the playoffs again, but Covid robbed them of the chance to go back and compete for another chance to win a title! This season was another amazing one and they got yet another chance to go and finish what they started. Unfortunately, they fell short by one point! ONE point, that’s it! My heart sank for them, especially the seniors! I mean, they made it so far 3 different years and their dreams of winning a state championship fell short by ONE SINGLE POINT! I have no doubt that each girl on that team will go far! But I can only imagine the weight they are each carrying in this very moment, knowing what a huge opportunity this was!

I have also watched my own children fall short of their dreams, and the pain hasn’t been easy! Both of my boys play football, wrestling, baseball/soccer and now apparently track. But wrestling is where they shine! My oldest made it to state last year as a sophomore. Other than mom intuition, I knew in my heart of hearts that the outcome would not be in his favor. I remember lying with him the night before and crying my eyes out! Even though this was an amazing accomplishment, his first match was going to be a win or go home. But he was the underdog to begin with, because he was wrestling in a higher weight class! He wrestled up for the sake of his best friend! In wrestling you get one wrestler per weight class, and Nathan never minded a challenge so he took the next weight up! He fell short and to say it hurt would be an understatement! This year was no different! He made it back to state, but winning that first match just wasn’t in the cards! Falling short of your dreams once hurts! Falling short twice? There are no words!

What I’ve learned through both of these scenarios is that Falling short is going to happen! Unfortunately, winning at everything is just not likely! And as bad as it hurts, I would rather my children fall short and learn how to work harder and persevere rather than to never know defeat! In both cases, everything in me felt like a win (in our favor) was deserved! I was actually really mad, hurt, and frustrated in each scenario that we were the ones who fell short! And even when I look back, I wonder why?! Why were WE the ones who had to watch our dreams fade away?! But these are questions that we will most likely, never have the answer to! So I can choose to live in the land of “what if” and or I can teach them to hold their heads high and be proud of what they’ve accomplished!

Falling short will always be hard! It will always hold lessons that we can learn from, if we so choose to! And it will, most likely, stick with us for the remaining of time! What it shouldn’t do, is keep us down! It shouldn’t let our shortcomings define us or our future! And it certainly shouldn’t be how we determine our worth and our ability in any area of life!

To my hometown—hold your heads high! My heart is with you all and I know without a doubt you gave it your best! I’m so proud of you girls and I’m a proud fan ! You’ve showed class everytime you’ve walked on and off the court! I can’t wait to continue to follow each of your journey’s and see where your dreams take you!!!

To my own children–I’ll always be your biggest fan! Win or lose, I will watch you with pride in my heart! When you fall short, I’ll be there to pick you up and make sure that you don’t give up on yourself!

Are you broken?

Have you ever felt just completely broken? Have you ever felt so exhausted that you were defeated in every way known to man? Have you ever just sat and cried because you didn’t know where to begin when it was time to pick up the pieces in order to be able to move on?! I have! A lot actually! And it isn’t easy! It’s not fun! And it straight up sucks to feel so broken that you contemplate the only choice that you know will stop YOUR pain, but cause your loved ones nothing but anguish! I’ve been there done that, more than my fair share! And sadly, I’ve had a friend who succumbed to the brokenness, and the pain my heart felt is indescribable! So if you’re reading this and you are broken, please stay! There is hope!

I’ve always felt “unwanted” and broken. From such a young age, I have had the burden of feeling like the world was against me. I had an unbelievable bond with my mom, but other than that I just never felt loved. I never felt “good enough” which caused me to hate myself, A LOT! Looking back, at the very least, I truly believe I should have been treated for depression! Just thinking about past situations makes me angry. I have always wondered why it wasn’t noticed. have always wondered why I was so different. And I have always wished I could just keep my emotions intact and NOT overreact to EVERY situation that I face. I understand that it may seem like I have brought these feelings on myself, but I’m tired of believing that lie! Depression is real! BPD is real! Anxiety is real! And guess what? Feeling broken, unwanted, and unloved IS REAL!!! 

For many years, I have carried the blame for ALL of the bad things that happened to me! And carrying that weight for that long has definitely done a number on me and caused me to feel broken! It has taken SO MANY YEARS to understand and ACTUALLY KNOW that none of that was my fault! Being assaulted, taken advantage of, not being loved by certain family members……..those things ARE NOT MY FAULT! I am to a point where I have to unpack and unload all of the burdens that have weighed me down my entire life. I am at a point where I will not continue to speak negativity over myself! And I am at a point where I have decided the only thing left to do is to put the pieces together, one by one. It isn’t and won’t be easy, but something has to change! I can continue to wallow in the brokenness, or I can decide that I am an overcomer. I can live in the past, or choose to live in the here and now. I can let the voice of deceit keep whispering in my ear, or I can kick it to the curb and listen to the voice of reason which says, “I am…”

For me, living broken was my way of coping. I used it as an excuse anytime I got mad. I used it as an excuse to convince myself that others didn’t like me. I used it as an excuse to keep hating life! Am I proud? Of course not! Was it real to me? ABSOLUTELY! Did I truly understand how much detrimental this was to, not only myself, but to my family? Sadly, yes! But living in the brokenness was the only way I knew to do life! And because change is hard, here I am at the age of 41 writing a blog that is a ‘tell all’ in hopes of helping somebody! 

I may not know your story, but I don’t need to! I only need you to understand that by staying broken you are taking the long way around. If re-do’s were actually a thing, I would take everyone I was offered. I’ve hurt many people in my life-time and trying to make up for it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to try to do! But I’m getting there! I’m learning to admit my faults! But I’m also learning to let go of the things that I cannot change! And most importantly, I’m learning how to let others help me pick up the broken pieces and put them back together! It’s not easy, and I don’t know that it ever will be! But allowing myself to stay broken hasn’t really done me any favors, so I am choosing to be an overcomer instead. 

In-laws–what else can I say? **part 2**

I am kind of laughing out loud right now because I am wondering how many of you woke up and checked the blog to see if “part 2” was available yet! Well peeps, here it is–I will finish what I started in this post, so make sure you stay to the end so you can TRULY understand what this blog is about!

I left you with quite a cliffhanger! If you recall, Kamden had just been born and my MIL had asked to hold him and I very reluctantly agreed! At this point, Ryan and I had been married for 8 years and now had 2 children and the relationship between me and them (everyone of them) was not good! Let’s just say that, when Kam was only a few months old, I told Ryan that he needed to choose a side. I was done with them. I couldn’t continue on with the way things were going–YES–it was mainly my fault–but I wasn’t thinking rationally in any manner! And let’s just say, THAT conversation was not fun. Although, I do think things kind of evened themselves out for a bit, but in no way were any of us besties!

Over the next few years things were still a roller coaster between me and them. Meaning we could tolerate one another, but there would be no meeting up with the girls for drinks or calling to chit chat about our day. We saw each other at family gatherings (the ones I chose to go to–that number isn’t high) and were civil, but I literally sat as far away from the adults as possible. I didn’t chime in on conversations and laughing with them was out of the realm of possibility–on my end!

At some point, things took a really odd turn (in a good way). I’m sure it had something to do with me going to see a counselor and getting help! All I know is, my counselor challenged me to pray 2 words and see how God would use that to my advantage in life. Those 2 words were so simple–“change me”!!! Once I got brave enough AND sincere enough to pray those words, things truly began to change between me and them. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened, but it was like I had this epiphany that having a negative attitude was the whole reason behind all of the drama between me and them! –I know–MIND B.L.O.W.N! 

The thing that really allowed us to bond better was when they invited me to go on their yearly shopping trip! You see, this had been a tradition for MANY MANY years with the girls, but it took about 15 years of being married to Ryan before they even thought about inviting me! Things must’ve been going well because I accepted the offer and had a blast!

For about 4 years things were looking up and were great! We would have normal conversations. I went to family events (and smiled)! There was no bitterness on either end! And we even had a bond that I thought would last for the remainder of time!

THEN, my bpd came alive out of nowhere and everything went down the drain faster than I could have ever anticipated. I can’t even tell you what it is that caused me to revert back to my old ways, but let me tell you——it straight up kicked me in the 888!

October of 2020 came and all hell broke loose when we (Ryan and I) both contracted The Rona! That’s when our world really turned upside down, yet again! And in my eyes, there was no way of fixing it! No kind of glue–including gorilla glue! No kind of medicine–prescription or counseling! And I’m pretty sure even something as big as winning the lottery, could not and would not have made a difference in the direction our marriage was going!

**if you haven’t read my blog on D.I.V.O.R.C.E, you might want to read it in order to FULLY understand the rest of the story!

After Ryan and I had WEEKS of yelling, arguing, disagreeing, and straight up not talking, we came to a point where we HAD to make a plan. After all, we needed to tell the boys something! His family already knew! My friends knew! And Facebook already knew! The boys needed to hear the news from us! The plan was to make things work until May (of this year) so their academics and extra curricular activities wouldn’t spiral down out of control! Therefore, there had to be a plan of what it would like until the end of the school year!

When we were finally able to talk (no crying,  yelling, cussing, etc), I told Ryan I was sorry for putting him through hell and back and that I wished for nothing more than a re-do! A re-do in our marriage! A re-do as a mom! And just a re-do in every aspect of my life! And much to my surprise, he agreed that a red-do would be amazing! So right then and right there, we sorted through all of the hurt and the pain that each of us caused! We talked about what we each needed from each other and we discussed (calmly) how we would each put in more effort to be a better “everything” for the sake of our marriage!

Now if you remember, I told you that my in-laws were already anticipating our divorce–because that’s what I sent them in a text. So now, I awkwardly have to decide what my relationship with them is going to look like! Because I’ve already established throughout the years that I didn’t like them, and the feeling was pretty mutual! **with the exception of a few good years** But here we are, married for 21 years–agreeing to a fresh start, and I have two choices with the in-laws: 1. randomly show up at family events and pretend things have always been amazing and pretend I didn’t send them a text about getting divorced or 2. Do a trial text and see how much damage control I can do BEFORE another family get together where I have promised Ryan that I would “be good” because it has typically been my attitude and behavior that has been the issue!

I went for a damage control text (you know you would too), but the damage had been done and there was no way I was getting away with 21 years of childish, selfish, hateful behavior and them turning their head as if none of it ever happened! **I can’t really blame them**

The ‘who said what’ to me is between me and them, but let’s just say……I cried! I cried because I knew they were right! I cried because I knew I deserved the response!–that needed be said in that moment! I cried because I knew I didn’t deserve the second chance (really more like the 100th)! And I cried because I knew that I was the one who had caused them and Ryan SO MUCH PAIN! They were tired of seeing Ryan hurt! They were tired of seeing Ryan lonely! They were tired of seeing Ryan put up with the spawn of satan’s sister for the last 21 years and here I was asking for “another” chance! HOW DARE I! They had every reason to not accept my apology! They had every reason to not believe that my apology was real! And they had every reason to let me sit in my own stinch and be left out…….

BUT THEY DIDN’T!

The grace that has been shown to me, has made me cry even more! And I know that the rebuilding that is taking place, will have to be a slow and steady process! I know that I will have to do 90% of the leg work, seems how I never did before, and I’m okay with that! I know that I will have to prove to them that I am a changed person, from the inside out! And I know that there will no doubt be bumps along the way!

No relationship is perfect–including the ones with in-laws! But I’m thankful that I can tell you that in the here and now, things are better! Things are looking up! And hearts have been softened over the last several months! I have no idea what things will look like from here–between me and them–but I can only hope that they will continue to give grace and that I can continue to show them my sincerity, of being a changed person, with my words and my actions!

And in case any of my in-laws are reading this–thank you! Thank you for not giving up on me-even though you had every reason to! 

In-laws–what else can I say? **Part 1**

It is no secret that I am not the easiest person to get along with! For any of you that follow me then you have a decent understanding of the level of crazy that I have going on! So you can only imagine what my journey with my in-laws has looked like over the years!

Ryan and I started dating in Dec. of 1997. I was 18 1/2 and he was 23 3/4. He lived on his own, I did not. He had already went through his party hard days and I was barely old enough to vote! He had a stable job without a lot of debt and I had worked at the same place for about a week and had no idea that paying bills was a real thing! **not exaggerating by much** My point is, he had a good handle on life and wasn’t necessary looking to settle down, and I had NO IDEA how to do life–in any manner–and practically had us married after our first date–which was to see Home Alone 3!

You already know that I don’t write about things I haven’t been through! AND you know that I’m a very open book regardless of how embarrassing or mortifying it is! I want others to know that I’m a human who makes mistakes and would rather take the risk of telling my stories to help even ONE person than to try and make my life sound perfect! So here it goes!

I met Ryan’s family in March of 1998, if you’re keeping up that’s 3 months of dating. I believe we were meeting his mom’s new fiance, on top of celebrating his birthday! The dinner was nice and everyone was very kind. He had a large family so it was a little intimidating, probably because I could tell they all had their life together and here I was wishing that he would already put a ring on it!

There’s kind of a big blur for the next 4 months (that takes us to July), and I just knew without a doubt that he would take me somewhere romantic, drop to one knee, and ask me the question I already had an answer for 7 months earlier! After all, my birthday is July 4th so it would’ve been THE PERFECT GIFT! Well, I got a ring, but I think it’s because he was a little scared of me and didn’t want me to sneak in his house and slit his throat. I don’t recall where we went for the evening but I do remember him handing me the box as we pulled out of my driveway and said, “happy birthday.” This didn’t really set well with me and I debated about throwing it out of the window because he didn’t do things MY WAY, but decided to go ahead and keep it. I moved in with him within the next month or so (8 months into dating) and it was ALMOST a sealed deal! Here’s where things get fun!

I was very well known for “throwing fits”, having “mad rages”, “sabotaging family events” and anything else that would put the attention back on me. It didn’t matter (to me) that I was making myself look like a fool! At this point I think there was a mutual feeling between his family and myself. I was never invited or included in activities with “the girls” (YES–I know why), but I used it as ammo to drive a wedge between them and Ryan. I cried victim A LOT–NO, I’m not proud of this!

All I can say is, Ryan must have had an itch for a journey full of adventure because in May of 1999 we gathered family and friends to watch us look each other in the eye and say our vows. I couldn’t really tell you what his family thought about it, because we (me and them) didn’t really talk. My guess is they were really hoping that one of was going to walk out and NOT follow through with the whole wedding, but………in the end they gained a daughter-n-law and sister-n-law, whether they liked it or not.

I’ll spare the details of the next 5 years, but let me just make it known, it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t just their fault and it wasn’t just my fault. It was more like 90/10. I’ll let you guess what number goes where.

On May 24th, 2004 we welcomed our sweet Nathaniel Ryan! Of course, when he turned one we planned the big party that most parents do. Two of Ryan’s sisters came and I tripped my ****!!!! I didn’t invite them so HOW DARE THEY show up to MY house and come to MY child’s b-day party of which they weren’t invited?!?! Now don’t get me wrong, I waited until after it was over, but I made it very well known later that they were NOT welcome without an invite! ***Oh how I wish I was making this up!

Over the next 3 years the relationship between me and them only worsened. At one point, I refused to be around them and went about 7 months without stepping foot in their presence. I don’t think they lost a whole lot of sleep! I did though! But only because I carried such a disdain for them and was constantly trying to find new ways for them to dislike me more than they already did!

Well, on March 7th, 2007 Kamden Scott decided he wanted his own birthday and came 10 days early. And just because I could, I REFUSED to have them at the hospital that night! (NO—I’m NOT PROUD)! And YES, they got to come the next day! The one thing I really remember is my MIL asking if she could hold my baby. I won’t even tell you the thoughts that went through my head, but thankfully I didn’t say them. I rolled my eyes and very reluctantly handed him over!

**come back for part 2**

Love them, but from afar!

Surely I’m not the only person who has people in my life, typically family, that are just unhealthy to be around! Part of it, for me, is because it has taken me a really long time to learn how to cope with the trauma from childhood! Part of it is because instead of sticking with counseling and other methods, that I knew I needed, I decided to forego every bit of it and revert back to my old habits! I do not recommend falling back into the old ways of doing things, especially when you’ve come so far! So at this point in my life, I have to love A LOT of my family members that I have to love, from afar!

Several months ago I thought it would be okay to speak what had been on my mind to several people in my family. I just got to a point where I straight up DID NOT CARE and I spoke words that can never be taken back! The exchanges in words between myself and them (I’m embarrassed to tell you how many), were harsh and uncalled for! At the moment, I was trying to self soothe and for whatever reason, I decided if I was going to hurt, then others were too! There were definitely things that needed to be said and hashed out, but giving someone the ‘what for’ via text is probably not the best way to make that happen!

Because of my actions, I now have to love my family, from afar! I have 1 sibling, out of 3, that I talk to. And I have 2 cousins that I speak to about 3-4 times a year. I would like to think that if I called the others up, say in an emergency, that they would take my call, but deep down I know they wouldn’t. I really did a number on them all, and unfortunately words cut to the bone! After all, the tongue is the hardest thing to tame! And considering that there was already dissension, me going Britney Spears crazy on them definitely sealed the deal when it came to cutting ties.

Looking back, I’m certainly, not proud of HOW I went about communicating with the (already) hard to love ones! When I really start to think about how many things both parties are missing out on, it makes me sad! It makes me sad to think that on any given day I could pass one of these particular family members in the store and know it will just be another face in the crowd! It makes me sad that my very own kids are missing out on uncles, aunts, and cousins! And it makes me sad knowing that I severed any chance I might have had at having a relationship with them!

But I will also say, as sad as it makes me…….there really is a part of me that is relieved! I’m relieved just knowing that I no longer will cry because due to being rejected–YES that happened frequently! I’m relieved that I was able to stand up for myself and say the things that needed to be said–and it’s done and over with! I’m relieved that I no longer will allow myself to tiptoe around others feelings OR even more, that I will NO LONGER BEG someone to love me, or my children! And if they are content with not being in our lives, that’s on them! I will love them, but from afar!!!

And I do think family is important! But when there are unhealthy habits and constant tears from one side or the other, then sometimes it’s better to walk away! That’s where my framily comes in! And trust me, I utilize them without shame! They are the ones who have carried me when I couldn’t care about myself! They are the ones who never left when me when my family did walk away! And they are the ones who have been my constant when certain family members never were!

If you follow my blog then you’re probably thinking that I deserve every piece of karma that I’m dealt! But if I were to sit down and tell you my story from beginning to end, you would understand why I’m telling you it’s in my best interest to just love some of them, from afar!

I don’t know you’re story! But I can tell you, just like friends, family can be toxic! Family can cause just as much stress, depression, anxiety and other issues just like those unhealthy friends we sometimes get wrapped up in! So yes, it is okay to love them, but from afar!!!

Restoration

According to dictionary.com the word restoration means: “the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment.”

I want to focus on the word in bold! Renewal! If I could only count how many times this word has been applied to me over my life span so far! If you have read ANY of my other blogs, then you are probably understanding why this particular word is so important to me! And I would be willing to bet that the ones who read this article can also testify to the word restoration or renewal in some kind of manner! So get comfortable and let’s talk!

Because I have to be an overcomer from depression, anxiety, and bpd (borderline personality disorder) and ptsd, I have had to ask for forgiveness from A LOT of people! And I’m talking from my childhood, teenage years, young adult, to the here and now at the age of 41! Although I am finding more and more ways to cope with things I’ve been through AND even things I continue to go through, I have NOT mastered how to keep myself in check when something goes awry! If someone has the perfect combination of things, let me know!

I am (obviously) not this calm collected person who knows how to step back and evaluate the situation at hand when things don’t go the way I plan them in my head! I literally become THAT person! I’m not proud of that, just being honest! Oh how I wish I could roll with it! It would be AMAZING to not have a ‘the world is fixing to end’ moment when I’m feeling the stress of the daily tasks that stare me in the face at 8:00 in the morning! Instead, I am this firecracker with a short fuse and anyone within range gets burned when I go bang! And it isn’t until things have gone too far that I begin to look for renewal with my words and actions alike! I’m thankful that, MOST of the time, my apology is accepted and I am able to begin some restoration and speak peace to the ones I hurt!

But restoration doesn’t/shouldn’t just stop at an apology! Apologies are simply an admittance of wrong doing, whereas restoration is the act of restoring! Maybe you need to restore and/or renew your marriage! Maybe its a friendship? Maybe it’s with a family member? Maybe it’s a best friend? So, I would ask you friend? What is holding you back from restoring and/or renewing what has been broken?! What steps can you take to begin the process of making things better? If a relationship has ended because you, like me, said or did things without thinking rationally, what can you do to mend the hearts of those people? If the relationship has ended because you were the one hurt, how can you approach the situation without harboring anger? And maybe you can’t right now, and that’s okay! But if there’s been some time for both people to clear their minds and think about how things could have been done differently, maybe they’re not sure how to approach you either! Maybe they’re wishing and hoping that you will forgive them, but they’re ashamed of how they acted?!

Example 1: Just last night I ran into someone who had been a friend for several years! I had been the one to walk away from this friendship due to some jealousy! I felt left out of a girls night, per say, and when I saw it on fb, I deleted them all! I know! Childish! I never had it in me to contact any of them because I was ashamed and I really thought they hated me! Come to find out, 10 years down the road, there was never any animosity on their end! It was all in my head! I sat and had dinner with her and her little girl and it was such a blessing to be able to reconnect after so many years. And come to find out, we had so much more in common after the span of not talking than we ever thought possible! So maybe, just maybe, the chance of YOU reconnecting with someone is a possibility afterall?!

Example 2: If you remember, I wrote about my “last episode” that took place back in October. The part I intentionally left out was how I started cutting people out of my life! Including my step-dad, my half brother, my niece (who had been my world), and even people at work were close to being on that list! And yes, I regret cutting ties, and I know without a doubt, the words I spoke to them in the moment of being angry was wrong!! But, I don’t see any restoration in the near future! Not because I’m too stubborn to admit I’m wrong or say I’m sorry—but because there is so much hurt that has festered over the last 20 years and when it finally popped– EVERYBODY got burned! When the pain runs this deep–I just don’t know that the pieces are even capable of being put together. And maybe time is the answer to restoration in this particular situation! What I do know, is much like my friend, if my family were to approach me today, my arms are open! My house is open! And I would love nothing more than to move on from all of the hurt, regardless of who was at fault! But I think others are going to need more time. More time to process the hurt I have, the hurt they have, and more time to process how to do life!

Renewing and restoring relationships has been very beneficial, FOR ME! It has taken away this load, that I really didn’t realize was so heavy until I became free! As far as the ones where there is still hurt, I have had to let go and let God! I can only control me! My emotions! My feelings! My words! My actions! And honestly, I no longer care to bear the burden of others. Once I have done what I can to mend, the rest is on them, family or friends.

I firmly believe that people come into our life to fulfill a purpose. If we are lucky, they get to stay and continue on the rest of our journey with us! But then there are times when their purpose with us comes to an end and we drift apart. Yes, it is or can be bittersweet! But I always try to remind myself, there’s a reason! We may not see it now, but trying to hang onto something that is no longer meant for us will only cause more pain in the end. It’s kind of like playing tug of war with no gloves. You continue to feel pain. Eventually, you’ve got to learn to let go and walk away.

Oftentimes I feel like restoration and renewal has more to do with having peace within ourselves more than anything else. Yes, it is amazing to mend the broken relationships! However, not EVERY relationship will be put back together! Not every relationship will have a happy ending! And not every relationship will survive the storms of life! And that’s okay! But don’t sell yourself short by suppressing the hard feelings for the rest of your life!

Restore, renew, and reestablish what you can, and lay the rest down!

Drop the weight of others!

I am one of those people who tend to stress and worry about situations that were never meant for me to carry! In fact, I try to be helpful and I (way too often) think I can do a better job than others and will step in to “help” whether I was asked to or not! Sometimes it works out just fine, then there are times when I crossed a boundary and I have to learn to back pedal real fast!

Carrying the weight of others is a heavy load to bear! And it causes such unnecessary stress which undoubtedly brings on anger, frustration, and even anxiety! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY!!!! Drop the weight when it’s not yours to carry! You’ll be surprised at how your whole day is altered and how much smoother it will go!

Just yesterday a friend approached me at work and asked me a question. I didn’t know the answer so I told her I would find out. I asked someone else, she didn’t know and told me who makes the decisions. Let’s just say this person is NOT a boss, but takes it upon herself to tell EVERYBODY what to do. So, I find the one “in charge” and she grumpily tells me what I need to know and I relay the information back. Afterwards, Ms. Grumpy britches decides to yell at me because I asked a question….uuuuuhhhhh……NO!

I tell you that story to say, my first initial reaction was to march myself down to the “actual boss” and tell him that he needs to go put Ms. Grumpy britches in her place. BUT…..THANKFULLY over the course of writing this blog and revealing all of my embarrassing moments, I stopped myself from even getting involved! Why? Because trying to carry the weight of ‘you know who’ was only going to make my day worse! Is it aggravating that she kind of gets to do what she wants? Hell to the yeah! Does it have absolutely anything to me! N.O.P.E! Do I have better things to do while I’m at work than worry about this particular situation? You know I do! So I laid it down (I get a pat on the back) and walked away! After-all, I had other things that needed to be done! It was a good feeling to dust my hands off and move on–for once in my life!

I have so many other examples from work that I could give–but let me save some time and just tell you-enough is enough! If it isn’t yours to begin with, don’t pick it up! If you already have, take it back to where it came from, lay it down, smile and walk away!

Now, let’s talk about carrying the weight of others—-OUTSIDE OF WORK!!!

Whether you are single, married, a parent or a combination of these, you are going to have to learn to put YOU first! I get so aggravated when people tell me….”well, my kids come first, I can do that later” or “I just don’t have time for myself because….” or “it would be selfish of me if I….” or whatever other excuse people use these days!!!! Who taught you that?!?!?! Yes, this is what the world teaches us, but it is NOT TRUE!!! You MUST take care of you, TOO!!!! And guess what…..I won’t lie to you…..there have been MANY, MANY, MANY times where I put myself, my wants, and my needs above my kids…..FOR MY SANITY!!!! For so many years, I didn’t! I didn’t go get that massage! I didn’t go to the movies with a friend! I didn’t go out with the girls because I needed to take care of everybody else, besides me! And what eventually happened, when it was too late, I crumbled underneath the weight that I had on my shoulders from everybody else! Then the crazy in me came out and I would end up regretting the next 3 days of my life because I never took the time for———ME!!! This has been my life on repeat! **Until I decided to seek medical help**

So whose weight do you need to drop? Is it from family, friends, or work? Ask yourself, why you even picked it up in the first place. Then decide if it would be detrimental to them if you laid it back down, or detrimental to your sanity if you continue to carry something that has nothing to do with you in the first place.

THE EXCEPTION:

I have a friend who has been forced to face some really big battles and storms over the last few years. Because of the nature of our friendship, she knew she could confide in me, without being judged, so she called and we talked for hours. What broke my heart was that she wasn’t just going through 1 hard trial—-she was going through 2 MAJOR life altering things, that she couldn’t help, along with the everyday things of being a mom, wife, etc. So of course, I held her hand and walked on this journey with her, as much as I could. And yes, it was hard! It was hard because I wanted to wrap her in my arms and make things go away (that weren’t going to anytime soon)! I wanted to pause time and put every broken piece of her back together as if nothing had ever happened! And I wanted to “FIX” her life so she wouldn’t have to endure the pain that oftentimes comes with life, in general! But I couldn’t! BUT, what I could do, was help her carry the weight! I could be available when she needed and ear or a shoulder! I could sit in silence when she just needed the presence of a friend! I could AND DID text her every single morning and let her know I was there and she mattered! Was it heavy? Yes, I’m crying as I type this! Do I regret it? NOT ONE SINGLE MOMENT! She is THE STRONGEST person I know and I’m so very thankful that she allowed me to help carry her through the trials that no mom should ever have to go through! And in case she is reading this……..I LOVE YOU FRIEND!!!

So yes, there will be times when you choose to carry the weight because, that’s simply what friends are for! And I will say, that she has also carried me through MANY things and she could’ve ran–but she didn’t! She has literally been my saving grace when so many other people judged and gossiped! She has stood by me through ALL my crazy and never wavered from being my friend!

So you have to decide when carrying the weight of others is impeding your health, mentally and emotionally, and then learn to put it down once and for all! And when it is needed so you can be somebody else’s saving grace!

Unfortunately, carrying the weight of others is not always black and white like I mention above. Sometimes it is hard to know if we should pick it up or run as fast as we can. In my experience, there have been times where I picked up what wasn’t mine and just carried it a little further than what was needed! THOSE times are probably the hardest! It’s one thing to be a ‘me pick me up’ when we see the need, but it can be difficult to know at what point it is okay to lay it down and move on. I personally think there are those who will take advantage of anything you’re willing to offer. And there will even be those who get upset when you decided to shed the extra weight, because that means they either have to do it on their own, or find somebody else who is willing! This is where YOU have to decide how far you are willing to go and at what point you will need to move on.

No matter what—-take care of you! Put your own health before others! Don’t be weighed down by something that isn’t yours to begin with! DROP THE WEIGHT OF OTHERS!

F.A.K.E–To be or not to be

When you are: Fully Aware ‘of’ Keeping Everyone ‘guessing’ with everything you do and/or say…….you may be FAKE!

If you have met me, then you know I am definitely one of those people that says whatever comes to mind! I have no problem telling others “how I really feel” AND I am typically the person who vomits what everyone else is thinking! **this isn’t ALWAYS a good thing!

I’ve never been good at pretending, and I really have no desire to be anything other than real! See, I would rather have a small circle of friends and know I can be myself rather than try to be liked by a large group of people and have to put up some facade that is absolutely exhausting! Because trying to pretend that I have this perfect life, with a perfect marriage, with perfect kids, and a perfect job couldn’t be further from the truth! Then on top of trying to pretend that nothing ever goes wrong and I never have problems….that just isn’t me! Don’t get me wrong! I love my family, my marriage, my kids and I even love my job! But not ONE SINGLE ASPECT is perfect! At all!

I want to be clear here! Being cordial and respectful is completely different than being F.A.K.E! I don’t make friends real easily (I know you’re so shocked), but I can totally walk by a colleague with a smile and keep going! Now if I stop to have a conversation and start asking, “how’s the family?” Then I’m being FA.K.E! NO–I don’t do this! I don’t wish bad things upon people, but I can guarantee that I won’t be stopping for small talk when there’s a clash!

But what I’m talking about is how some people have no problem carrying on these little chit chats only to turn around and say something unkind about the exact same person! I’ve seen it happen again and again. I think this is the very definition of “hypocrite”!

And maybe I have this whole blog wrong! Maybe being F.A.K.E is what the world wants! Maybe they want you to pretend to care about them! Maybe they want you to hold hands and sing kumbaya around a bonfire and tell each other your deepest secrets! The problem with that is, I guarantee you, one if not both of the parties would not be honest! Why? Because one, if not both, are being F.A.K.E! So why give them ammo to go and say things that you thought would be kept confident?! It isn’t worth it! I promise!

I dont know about you, but I dont handle F.A.K.E people real well! Again, I can be cordial. But I’m talking about the people who ACT like they care! Or the ones who give unsolicited advice in the name of “trying to help”! And even the ones who pretend they’re apologizing but always find a way to not! You know, the ones who say, “I’m sorry, but…” or the classic “I didn’t know you were offended”, type thing! So basically where words come out of their mouth and none of it is actually a genuine apology!

If you are a F.A.K.E type of person then you should know that, other people tend to pick up on this type of behavior real quick. Eventually the joke is on you, because everyone is trying to figure out and asking, “why are YOU being nice?”. It’s one of those things where, if you’re not going to be genuine, then don’t pretend AT ANY TIME to act like you care! Its disturbing!!! You’re better off to keep going and try doing the cordial thing where you just smile and go on.

And just so I’m clear: if you are typically mean, snotty, rude, disrespectful, unprofessional to others on the daily, but then decide to TRY and carry on a random conversation, you are probably considered F.ully A.ware ‘of’ K.eeping E.veryone ‘guessing’! Do NOT be this person!

–Cheating–

Man! Just the title takes my breath away! The judging that is already happening!!! The theory that each person has in their head right now! The screenshots and text messages that have already been sent! And the phone calls that are being made at this very moment! Why? Because people are nosy! And inevitably, some will think this post is strictly about them! Well, go ahead and judge, have your theory, gossip via text or phone, and if the shoe fits, then I guess you can put it on if you so choose to!

I saw the question a few days ago on Facebook that said, “cheating: is it a deal breaker?” So of course I check out the comments section because like you, I’m a little interested in what everyone has to say on the topic! And honestly, I don’t think I saw one single comment about forgiveness! Everybody gave the advice to dump them! And of course because they are all psychologist, they knew what was best! It made me quite sad though, because I was trying to figure out, at point do your “Facebook friends” get to decide what side of the  fence you’re on?!?! And maybe their advice is spot on……..but the hateful, unrelenting advice of “drop them now”, “dont go back”, and just the whole “never forgive them or trust them” attitude was on a whole new level! But you know what? 1. A sin is a sin is a sin and Jesus forgives all of them–when we ask–SINCERELY! 2. You don’t know what you WOULD REALLY DO, if it were you–regaredless of which end you were on. And 3. Not one person, that I saw, mentioned counseling or something of the nature that would possibly help put the brokenness back together! So shame on you if you think you know how somebody should live their life when bonds have been broken! Shame on you for the ones who THINK they know what they would do–I promise you do not! And shame on you for calling your sin a little white lie while others are deeper and darker than yours, and quite frankly ain’t none ya business!

I’ve said in many blogs that I won’t write on anything that I haven’t been through! So if you’re still with me, I’ll give you reasons to hate me, stalk me, and gossip about me! Why? I’m writing to help others, not worry about your opinion! I’m writing to help myself cope with life! I’m writing about things that are real that no one else wants to admit they’ve been through! But if you’ve read enough of my blogs, you know I’m honest! But you won’t really know the WHOLE story until you reach the end!

If havent already, you need to make sure you check out the blog titled D.I.V.O.R.C.E-it could never happen to me! You can leave and read it now, or read it after this one! But make sure you take a look! These two articles will go hand in hand because everyone thinks and even says, “I wouldn’t put up with that!” Well, I certainly hope that you don’t have to eat your words at any point in your life! Because I promise, they don’t taste very good!

Cheating is one of those things that has always affected me in one way or another! It has been the reason behind abusive relationships. It has been the reason behind divorce. It it has been the reason behind abortion. AND it has been the reason behind secrets that will haunt me until I die! So I agree with you, not much good can come from cheating, BUT……….

Behind the scenes in EVERY cheating situation, there is another decision that HAS to be made! Forgiveness! Whether it’s forgiveness from a spouse, forgiveness from yourself, or forgiving both of the parties that managed to turn your world upside down in one way or another! It HAS to happen! Because if you don’t allow it–it WILL eat you alive!

Without giving specific details, I will say that I have made some REALLY bad choices in my marriage! I’ve had to ask for forgiveness and I’ve had to have some extremely hard conversations! I’ve had to deal with shame, on top of being harshly judged by others! I’ve had to try and mend something that NEVER should have been broken! And I’ve had to live with it EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

I feel like I have a pretty good idea of how the woman at the well felt, with the exception of having gone through 5 husbands! All she was focused on was how others were judging her, including disciples at that! She saw no worth in herself because she had made some terrible choices and (I imagine) the whole town knew it! They gossiped! They judged! And I imagine, they shunned her! You know, because they were perfect! They had no secrets! And they certainly had NEVER done anything THAT bad!

Without a doubt, I know that the perfect Christians who are reading this are already calling each other to get the juice! And as much as it hurts, I will be okay! Afterall, I told my own “SECRET”! I’m sure my friends and frenemys alike are wondering why! Why would I choose to write about something so personal? Why would I be willing to put myself on the chopping block? Well, I felt led to tell pieces of my story!

This is and will be BY FAR the hardest blog ever! But hanging onto fear is worse! Fearing that others will judge me (they will)! Fearing that others will gossip (they will)! And fearing that I will be viewed so differently from this point on will always be at the forefront of my brain! But I decided to put the fear behind me and speak to the ones who have been in my shoes!

Admitting your faults and mistakes will never be easy! Forgiving those who have made mistakes will never be easy! But regardless of which category you are in, both can be done! No matter the circumstance, others will always have an opinion! Please don’t let them be the deciding factor of how things should be! Don’t let others decide whether or not your honest! Don’t let others decide if you should forgive! And don’t let others decide that because you made a mistake or forgave a mistake that someone is less worthy! Usually the ones judging the hardest have their own closet full of skeletons!

As I type out all of these words my eyes are wet! The criticism that I know will come with being honest causes my heart to beat faster! And just the pure condemnation that will follow makes me think twice about hitting the “publish now” button! But……

I know there has to be some reason or some person (if not more than one) that needs to hear my story! I felt way too compelled to tell it for it to not touch somebody out there! You need to know you will be okay! You need to know that your mistake(s) does not define you! You need to know that the best way to move on is to forgive yourself! I’m still working on that! Let others talk! Let them think what they want! Let them judge! That’s on them! You take care of you!

For the ones who are blameless in life, congratulations! I wish you well as you continue through this journey called life without making mistakes! I commend you for adhering to all ten commandments and being role models for us that don’t have our life together! And I applaud you for uplifting and supporting those of us who make mistakes by praying for our souls!

In the end, I will answer for my sins and you will answer for yours. I’ve learned SO MANY lessons the hard way! Im thankful for my friends and framily that have engulfed me in nothing but love, and I’d love to do the same for anybody who has no one to turn to! Please know, you’re not alone! Just because you don’t always hear or read about what the journey of cheating is like from a personal point of view, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen! And just because you think you know what someone else’s journey is from the mouth of others just remember—you’re not always getting the WHOLE TRUTH!

I’ll leave you with one final thought……

NEVER SAY NEVER