Oftentimes others don’t notice when the tears are flowing because we’ve been accustomed to hiding our feelings, at least I have.

As I’m going home from visiting family and I hear my teens giggling (and arguing) in the back and my hubby is driving, I can’t help but to let the tears silently fall! Im not mad they don’t notice, because then I’d have to explain why I have them to begin with. And sometimes, tears aren’t explainable! They just happen. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes for a heavy burden, and sometimes because the demands of life hit you at once and its too much to take.

For me specifically, I miss my mom. She was my best friend and she loved the Christmas season. But her sickness and ultimately her death brought a lot of separation for my family. My dad passed when I was a baby, so there’s that. And although I have 3 siblings, only 2 of us have a relationship.

There ARE other things that weigh me down……..

Depression

Anxiety

The unknown

And I 100% take the steps I can, but when those steps aren’t enough, the silent tears fall!

I feel the need to tell you……STAY!

When the night is silent and all are snug in their beds, thats when the tears start to fall.

Having so much time to think, in the quiet, can be very overwhelming, at least for me!

I tend to want to know how things will be worked out and how (insert problem) is going to be okay! I cry for my children because I don’t want this to be their burden! I cry for myself because my anxiety comes out and my spouse gets the brunt end of it! I cry because all I can think is “what if I had….”

When the night is silent, I question every decision I had to make and ask myself how it’s going to effect my family! And what can I do to make sure everything is going as planned.

When the night is silent, I have a lot of one sided conversations with God because there are A LOT of things I dont understand and I want to! So badly I want him to audibly tell me what I’m suppose to be learning from the rough waters. But his voice never comes…so then I feel more alone, when the night is silent.

When the night is silent, there’s a battle that happens and I dont know how to stop it. Yes, it is the battle of the good verses the evil. It is the battle of do I “do unto others” or “turn the other cheek?”

When the night is silent, I relive my regrets of not being the best mom, wife, child, or friend that I could’ve been so many years ago. I think about the friendships I’ve lost. I think about bridges that have been burned and rebuilding is not an option. I think about how I could have been a better child and then I cry.

I weep.for what could have been, then I weep and ask God to show me “what now?”but when the night is silent, sometimes that’s when the voices are the loudest of all! So I cry when the night is silent. Because afterall, who would listen and understand?

I may not have a size 6 body, but my heart cannot be measured.

I may not have the most friends, but the loyalty amongst the ones I have is undeniable.

I may not have a mansion, but my house is definitely my home as well as the home of anyone I welcome in, no matter the reason.

I may not have the most expensive things, but I dont want for anything.

I may not have the most followers on tik tok, Instagram, or even on Facebook, but I have those who check in with me daily!

I may not have life figured out, but who does?

I may not be your cup of tea, and that’s okay!

But I dang sure am somebody’s shot of fireball and those are the peeps that matter to me!

To this point, I’ve been very candid about my life and the mistakes I’ve made! Have I revealed every sin? No! Am I going to? Would you? Thats what I thought!

Rather this blog is more about writing out the thoughts that flood my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY!

To be fair/honest, I’m not in a bad marriage! My husband probably is, but I’m not. So what’s the problem? Me! I am the problem and I take full responsibility for not knowing how to fix me and my marriage. So now, after 22 plus year of being together I have to decide if staying is making things worse!

Living with BPD is not for the faint of heart! And even though I’m medicated, there are times when the flare ups are so bad, that it doesn’t seem fair to my family to have to continue to be around me. I literally (at times) feel that everyone of is would be better if I just left.

There’s no explaining BPD and what all it entails on (sometimes) a daily basis. But to sum it up–it causes me to feel worthless, unwanted, and like everyone else would be better off we communicated from a distance. And I’m not so sure they’re wrong!

The hardest part of this is my children. I have a senior and freshman. But I feel like I’m losing them. The older they get, the more they see, but I know at that age, they don’t understand.

Because mental health is swept under the rug and treated like some infectious disease that can be caught, its hard to explain to anybody, but especially my children, that I am sometimes sick and there won’t always be an explanation!

Unfortunately, I dont really know how to express in a “normal” manner that I’m having a bad day. It typically comes out as some maniac rant about them not making their bed, or whatever other ridiculous statement you want to put in there. And even though I understand that teenagers aren’t perfect and are going to mess up or do stupid things………there are days where I literally (feel like) I cannot control the way I react towards them or my husband.

So what would you do? When you know that your mentality is hurting everyone else? Would you stay or leave?

How many times have YOU joked about someone having more than one personality? I can honestly say I have, 5oi many times to count. At the moment–it was funny! Now? I realize that I was taking someone else’s pain and stomping on it so I could have a quick laugh! NOT cool!

Why bring this up? What is BPD? Isn’t it just a way for people to get attention? If someone can control their BPD more often than not, then do they REALLY have it? I mean afterall, people with BPD are fine unless they need a reason to “be crazy”, right?

BPD is a borderline personality disorder that cannot be cured! Are there medicines to help keep emotions in check, YES! Do the medicines always keep the symptoms at a zero? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Do people with BPD use this as an excuse to not be themselves? I’m sure there are. There will ALWAYS be people who take advantage of their “disease/mental health issue” to get attention. But you need to understand, that MOST people who suffer from BPD, don’t even tell their family or closest friends. It is not something they WANT to be known for! And the sad thing is…..people MIGHT be more understanding during an episode if they did know! But I, for one, would rather take the heat for not keeping myself in check than telling everyone I work with “and by the way, I have BPD”.

I went years undiagnosed! Which also means i went YEARS without a way to keep myself in checking! I knew I had issues with my emotions and outbursts that didn’t make sense, but I really just played the victim (A LOT) and put the blame back on whomever ticked me off! I honestly thought “well if they hadn’t…….” and I justified EVERTHING I said and did!

Fast forward to adulthood and 15 years into marriage where it was either get help or get a divorce. I chose the help. So at the age of 30 something amd many test later, I’m told that I have BPD. The news wasn’t a total shock, in fact, it qas almost a relief. But I was also filled with deep guilt. Guilt for all of the years that I went undiagnosed and thought I had a reason to act they way I had! Guilt for how I treated people, which was what ultimately what landed me where I was. Fortunately, it all made sense! And even though I’m pretty sure EVERY MOTION went flooding through me……..relief was the last and final one, because now I had answers!

For me, BPD included mood swings that went from one end of the spectrum to another in a matter of seconds. It was laughing with friends then tripping out on someone I didn’t know that was just trying to fit in and enjoy the laugh. Its been a life of emotional ups and downs that have caused me to self-hate and think of ways to self-harm without it being obvious that it was me…….but also crying myself to sleep because I didn’t TRULY want to hurt myself or others. BPD has caused me to miss very important moments in time that I won’t get back, such as skipping Christmas with the family! BPD, for me, has also been closing myself up in my room for days, if not a week, at a time. Not taking showers for a week because I just dont care. Eating a bite of toast then getting sick because my emotions are so mixed up. BPD has caused me to have reactions towards my children that haunt me! Then the self-loathe comes back around. BPD is a vicious cycle that can seem never-ending.

Mental Health is real! And even though I take medicine, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have episodes. The medicine I do take, keeps everything at bay, USUALLY. Unfortuntaely, there are times where it gets the best of me and I begin to wonder a whole lot of “what ifs?”

I’m sharing my story in hopes that it will help someone else! I want others to know that you are not alone! Because when you’re going through an episode, you feel like you are indeed ALONE and it can even cause you to feel that you’d be better off…….NOT HERE!!! please don’t belive this lie! Please know that if you can be brave enough to share your story, even with one person, you will always have someone to call when the lows hit!

If you dont live with BPD or know anybody else who does, feel blessed! But I would be willing to bet that someone in your circle just hasn’t shared their story, yet!

Mental Health is real and it needs to be normalized! It needs to be talked about without victim blaming! I did not choose BPD! But im tired of hiding what I live eith on a daily basis. Im tired of people asking “are you okay?” And me lying n to them because I don’t want to be judged! And the crazy thing is……when I’m not okay, there won’t always be an answer as to why I’m not! Living with BPD and having an episode of feeling down or sad does not ALWAYS relate to something bad that has happened. It simply means my emotions are not in check and I just need to continue to be loved by those around me. I dont need sympathy……..I need empathy.

Instead of saying, “let me know if I can help” try a gentle touch or hug. Or try saying “I see your struggling”.

Instead of saying, “it will be alright” try something like stopping in and saying “I’m thinking about you”.

Instead of saying, “irs going to be a good day” try giving a few minutes of your time to let the person talk (or cy if needed) while you genuinely listen.

Just because someone is sad does not mean they have BPD and just because someone has BPD does not mean they are always sad! You may or may not always recognize when someone does have BPD because it’s not really something we tend to announce.

Do some research and educate yourself regarding BPD and other mental health issues! It could save a friends life!

I want it to go away, but it doesn’t.

I want to be okay, but I’m not.

I want others to understand, but they just don’t.

I want her back, but it won’t happen.

I want the impossible dreams to disappear, but they continue.

I want my kids to know her, but they can’t.

I want another hug, kiss, and her advice, but thats all been put on hold.

I want the memories to stay alive, without the constant tears, but I dont know how to do that!

All I can do, in this moment in time, is thank God he gave me the best! Grieve the loss and smile as I carry her with me!

But in this moment, I will bow my head silence and whisper, “I love you mom”!!!

Man! Just recently I saw a picture of a model and thought WOW! That person is straight up gorgeous! Dont get me wrong–I was not lusting after them! But I can totally appreciate when someone is handsome or beautiful! I may have been a little jelly because I thought they were that good looking (and I’m not), but either way, I was in awe!

Fast forward a few weeks and I just happened to see this person at a mutual event for a friend. I literally had to blink several times and even pull up the “model” picture I had previously seen on Facebook to see if it was the same person! Sure enough, it was indeed the same person.

Now listen, I am not saying this person is not handsome–but I am saying that what I saw on Facebook a few weeks prior–is not what I was looking at in real life.

See, social media has a tendency to make us feel like we don’t have our life together or even that everybody around us has so much more than we do! Well…..this situation truly put things into perspective. I realized that the power of photography was real that day! And anybody with even a hint of talent could take a snapshot of any given person and work wonders! Which is exactly what had me duped. I realized real quick, that a lot of editing had gone into this particular picture.

If we will really stop and think about it, how many people are honest with what they put on social media? For real? How many of us “cover up” the true situation with an LOL? Or how many of us smile for the camera then go back to ignoring each other (GUILTY)!

I just keep going back to thinking that it must be exhausting to put on a front for pur social media accounts and then going back to whatever chaotic situation we may livimg in real life. For me, what you see IS what you get. If I don’t look “put together” it’s bc I dpnt have my ducks in a row….heck….I probably don’t even know where my ducks are.

I want to encourage anybody reading this…..to be real! Just be you!