When the night is silent

When the night is silent and all are snug in their beds, thats when the tears start to fall.

Having so much time to think, in the quiet, can be very overwhelming, at least for me!

I tend to want to know how things will be worked out and how (insert problem) is going to be okay! I cry for my children because I don’t want this to be their burden! I cry for myself because my anxiety comes out and my spouse gets the brunt end of it! I cry because all I can think is “what if I had….”

When the night is silent, I question every decision I had to make and ask myself how it’s going to effect my family! And what can I do to make sure everything is going as planned.

When the night is silent, I have a lot of one sided conversations with God because there are A LOT of things I dont understand and I want to! So badly I want him to audibly tell me what I’m suppose to be learning from the rough waters. But his voice never comes…so then I feel more alone, when the night is silent.

When the night is silent, there’s a battle that happens and I dont know how to stop it. Yes, it is the battle of the good verses the evil. It is the battle of do I “do unto others” or “turn the other cheek?”

When the night is silent, I relive my regrets of not being the best mom, wife, child, or friend that I could’ve been so many years ago. I think about the friendships I’ve lost. I think about bridges that have been burned and rebuilding is not an option. I think about how I could have been a better child and then I cry.

I weep.for what could have been, then I weep and ask God to show me “what now?”but when the night is silent, sometimes that’s when the voices are the loudest of all! So I cry when the night is silent. Because afterall, who would listen and understand?