How many times have YOU joked about someone having more than one personality? I can honestly say I have, 5oi many times to count. At the moment–it was funny! Now? I realize that I was taking someone else’s pain and stomping on it so I could have a quick laugh! NOT cool!
Why bring this up? What is BPD? Isn’t it just a way for people to get attention? If someone can control their BPD more often than not, then do they REALLY have it? I mean afterall, people with BPD are fine unless they need a reason to “be crazy”, right?
BPD is a borderline personality disorder that cannot be cured! Are there medicines to help keep emotions in check, YES! Do the medicines always keep the symptoms at a zero? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Do people with BPD use this as an excuse to not be themselves? I’m sure there are. There will ALWAYS be people who take advantage of their “disease/mental health issue” to get attention. But you need to understand, that MOST people who suffer from BPD, don’t even tell their family or closest friends. It is not something they WANT to be known for! And the sad thing is…..people MIGHT be more understanding during an episode if they did know! But I, for one, would rather take the heat for not keeping myself in check than telling everyone I work with “and by the way, I have BPD”.
I went years undiagnosed! Which also means i went YEARS without a way to keep myself in checking! I knew I had issues with my emotions and outbursts that didn’t make sense, but I really just played the victim (A LOT) and put the blame back on whomever ticked me off! I honestly thought “well if they hadn’t…….” and I justified EVERTHING I said and did!
Fast forward to adulthood and 15 years into marriage where it was either get help or get a divorce. I chose the help. So at the age of 30 something amd many test later, I’m told that I have BPD. The news wasn’t a total shock, in fact, it qas almost a relief. But I was also filled with deep guilt. Guilt for all of the years that I went undiagnosed and thought I had a reason to act they way I had! Guilt for how I treated people, which was what ultimately what landed me where I was. Fortunately, it all made sense! And even though I’m pretty sure EVERY MOTION went flooding through me……..relief was the last and final one, because now I had answers!
For me, BPD included mood swings that went from one end of the spectrum to another in a matter of seconds. It was laughing with friends then tripping out on someone I didn’t know that was just trying to fit in and enjoy the laugh. Its been a life of emotional ups and downs that have caused me to self-hate and think of ways to self-harm without it being obvious that it was me…….but also crying myself to sleep because I didn’t TRULY want to hurt myself or others. BPD has caused me to miss very important moments in time that I won’t get back, such as skipping Christmas with the family! BPD, for me, has also been closing myself up in my room for days, if not a week, at a time. Not taking showers for a week because I just dont care. Eating a bite of toast then getting sick because my emotions are so mixed up. BPD has caused me to have reactions towards my children that haunt me! Then the self-loathe comes back around. BPD is a vicious cycle that can seem never-ending.
Mental Health is real! And even though I take medicine, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have episodes. The medicine I do take, keeps everything at bay, USUALLY. Unfortuntaely, there are times where it gets the best of me and I begin to wonder a whole lot of “what ifs?”
I’m sharing my story in hopes that it will help someone else! I want others to know that you are not alone! Because when you’re going through an episode, you feel like you are indeed ALONE and it can even cause you to feel that you’d be better off…….NOT HERE!!! please don’t belive this lie! Please know that if you can be brave enough to share your story, even with one person, you will always have someone to call when the lows hit!
If you dont live with BPD or know anybody else who does, feel blessed! But I would be willing to bet that someone in your circle just hasn’t shared their story, yet!
Mental Health is real and it needs to be normalized! It needs to be talked about without victim blaming! I did not choose BPD! But im tired of hiding what I live eith on a daily basis. Im tired of people asking “are you okay?” And me lying n to them because I don’t want to be judged! And the crazy thing is……when I’m not okay, there won’t always be an answer as to why I’m not! Living with BPD and having an episode of feeling down or sad does not ALWAYS relate to something bad that has happened. It simply means my emotions are not in check and I just need to continue to be loved by those around me. I dont need sympathy……..I need empathy.
Instead of saying, “let me know if I can help” try a gentle touch or hug. Or try saying “I see your struggling”.
Instead of saying, “it will be alright” try something like stopping in and saying “I’m thinking about you”.
Instead of saying, “irs going to be a good day” try giving a few minutes of your time to let the person talk (or cy if needed) while you genuinely listen.
Just because someone is sad does not mean they have BPD and just because someone has BPD does not mean they are always sad! You may or may not always recognize when someone does have BPD because it’s not really something we tend to announce.
Do some research and educate yourself regarding BPD and other mental health issues! It could save a friends life!
Enjoy Every Moment 