“I’m really worried. She’s locked herself in her room and is crying. I’m really scared that she’s is going to hurt herself. I dont know what to do, so I’m calling you.”
These words will forever ring in the back of my head and there’s no erasing them! Why? Because they came from my own mouth to my mom’s best friend. I can’t tell you what the surrounding circumstance was that led her to such sadness, but I can tell you that I was a scared and worried 17 year old daughter who had serious reservations about whether or not my mom would “possibly” take her own life! And everytime I look back on that phone call, my heart breaks again and again.
Looking back this would have been around the time that early onset alzheimers was making an entrance into our family! So perhaps she, unknowingly to me, knew something was going on while also knowing there was nothing she could do to “fix” whatever was broken! But even if that isn’t the case–there was definitely some depression going on to the point where she had me worried about how far she might go to end the pain! After all, for 17 years she continued on with life even after her first true love had been taken so suddenly and left her with 3 kids at the age of 28!
Even though my mom remarried, she never stopped loving my (biological) dad. I know this because she told me so! I recall her throwing her arms around me while sobbing and telling me how much she missed him. She couldn’t understand why he had to leave. She no doubt went through some very deep and dark moments after losing him! She went as far to tell me how easy it would’ve been to send us 3 kids to live with our grandparents. She told me how we were the very reason she kept going. She shared with me, many times, how she just longed to go and be with him! And although I don’t think she ever had a “plan”, I know without a doubt she at least thought about ending the pain that suffocated her way too often!
Oftentimes I wonder how many people would admit that the thought of suicide has crossed their mind! I’ve personally experienced what the pain is like of losing 3 friends to the battle they couldn’t take any longer. And just the other night, Ryan was informed of someone he knew that took his own life. So I can’t help but ponder on what the statistics might show if people were to be honest if they were asked, “have you ever “THOUGHT” about suicide. Before you get mad, go back and read that again. Because it doesn’t say have you planned it! It doesn’t say are you going to do it. It simply says, has the THOUGHT ever crossed your mind? I wouldn’t be shocked if the number of people who were asked was low! Why? Because its not an easy thing to talk about! And not to mention, some people just cant mind their own and would make something out of nothing by turning the question around all in the name of “just trying to help”!
I’m sure by now you’re wondering why I am even blogging about this! Here’s your answer! After going for a 3 mile run–okay, walk–I was hit with a butt load of emotions and ended up throwing myself into a panic attack for about 2 hours. And to be straight up honest–it sucked! While I was trying to just breathe through every breath, I wondered to myself how people do it. For people who go through this deep level of pain on a regular basis–how do they survive?! How do they not succumb to ending this heart wrenching pain that seems to have no end? How are they so brave?! I do not have these attacks often, so when it hit, it hit fast and furious and was not letting up! And all I could do was go back into that moment in time and recall my own mom being in my position! Which caused me to hurt even more. Because back then, I didnt understand what she had possibly lived through that would make her so sad! But now that I’m a mom and I’ve experienced some amazing highs but also some very devastating lows, I understood how she felt that very day!
No matter what the cause behind someone’s pain is–it is real! It doesn’t matter if you see it as big or minute–it’s real! And there’s no explaining to someone else what it actually feels like–if they’ve never been in our shoes! I love my family and I’ve never had a plan, nor do I plan on making one. But I do know that thoughts have gone through my head–and they haven’t always been pretty! Thankfully today, I had the strength to reach out to someone–because that’s not always the case! And what’s even worse than going through emotional trauma-is having no one to reach out to OR not having the strength to reach out!
After my episode today I just really feel like we need to raise awareness together and end the stigma that if the word suicide crosses your mind–then you need to be committed! Or that you’re alone in your thoughts! I understand that some people will never understand the amount of pain it takes for that word to travel through their head–and thank God for that! But I also understand that there are more people walking around–that we know personally-that HAS had that happen and you and I will probably NEVER know it!
Some people are really good at smiling and hiding the pain and some are not! The ones who are able to push the pain aside and wonder if anybody cares–I’m here! I care! I will listen-without judgment! I will sit in silence with you if that’s what it takes! But please know you’re loved! Because today, as I cried for 2 agonizing hours over bottled up emotions-i just wanted the pain to end, and I didn’t care how! And thankfully someone who simply “knows who I am” reached out and offered the same thing to me. They didn’t try to explain things! They didn’t try to tell me how to get up and help myself! They didn’t judge me with their words! They simply listened to the cries of my heart and offered an ear and a prayer of comfort! So if I can EVER be that person for you–I’m here!
Let’s raise awareness—–TOGETHER!
Enjoy Every Moment 