Are you broken?

Have you ever felt just completely broken? Have you ever felt so exhausted that you were defeated in every way known to man? Have you ever just sat and cried because you didn’t know where to begin when it was time to pick up the pieces in order to be able to move on?! I have! A lot actually! And it isn’t easy! It’s not fun! And it straight up sucks to feel so broken that you contemplate the only choice that you know will stop YOUR pain, but cause your loved ones nothing but anguish! I’ve been there done that, more than my fair share! And sadly, I’ve had a friend who succumbed to the brokenness, and the pain my heart felt is indescribable! So if you’re reading this and you are broken, please stay! There is hope!

I’ve always felt “unwanted” and broken. From such a young age, I have had the burden of feeling like the world was against me. I had an unbelievable bond with my mom, but other than that I just never felt loved. I never felt “good enough” which caused me to hate myself, A LOT! Looking back, at the very least, I truly believe I should have been treated for depression! Just thinking about past situations makes me angry. I have always wondered why it wasn’t noticed. have always wondered why I was so different. And I have always wished I could just keep my emotions intact and NOT overreact to EVERY situation that I face. I understand that it may seem like I have brought these feelings on myself, but I’m tired of believing that lie! Depression is real! BPD is real! Anxiety is real! And guess what? Feeling broken, unwanted, and unloved IS REAL!!! 

For many years, I have carried the blame for ALL of the bad things that happened to me! And carrying that weight for that long has definitely done a number on me and caused me to feel broken! It has taken SO MANY YEARS to understand and ACTUALLY KNOW that none of that was my fault! Being assaulted, taken advantage of, not being loved by certain family members……..those things ARE NOT MY FAULT! I am to a point where I have to unpack and unload all of the burdens that have weighed me down my entire life. I am at a point where I will not continue to speak negativity over myself! And I am at a point where I have decided the only thing left to do is to put the pieces together, one by one. It isn’t and won’t be easy, but something has to change! I can continue to wallow in the brokenness, or I can decide that I am an overcomer. I can live in the past, or choose to live in the here and now. I can let the voice of deceit keep whispering in my ear, or I can kick it to the curb and listen to the voice of reason which says, “I am…”

For me, living broken was my way of coping. I used it as an excuse anytime I got mad. I used it as an excuse to convince myself that others didn’t like me. I used it as an excuse to keep hating life! Am I proud? Of course not! Was it real to me? ABSOLUTELY! Did I truly understand how much detrimental this was to, not only myself, but to my family? Sadly, yes! But living in the brokenness was the only way I knew to do life! And because change is hard, here I am at the age of 41 writing a blog that is a ‘tell all’ in hopes of helping somebody! 

I may not know your story, but I don’t need to! I only need you to understand that by staying broken you are taking the long way around. If re-do’s were actually a thing, I would take everyone I was offered. I’ve hurt many people in my life-time and trying to make up for it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to try to do! But I’m getting there! I’m learning to admit my faults! But I’m also learning to let go of the things that I cannot change! And most importantly, I’m learning how to let others help me pick up the broken pieces and put them back together! It’s not easy, and I don’t know that it ever will be! But allowing myself to stay broken hasn’t really done me any favors, so I am choosing to be an overcomer instead.