I wonder how many people read my blog and wonder how I’m not in the nut house! Afterall, I’ve thought about running away at a young age, I’ve given hitchhikers rides (before cellphones and because I was mad at my husband), and I’ve tripped out because my husband said hi to a 14 year old neighbor! I think its pretty obvious that medicine is the only thing keeping me from going over the edge to the point of no return! But nonetheless, here is my story! Grab a snack and a drink, this could be long!
My mom married my dad at the age of 18. They had their first child, a girl, when my mom was 20. They had their second child, a boy, when my mom was 24. And then I came along on July fourth, 1979 and my mom was 28. I can only imagine the busyness that came with 3 kids. Because we were all 4 years apart, I imagine there wasn’t much bonding going on. And since I was a baby, I don’t really recall these times. When I was only 6 months old, tragedy struck my family. Our dad came down with a sickness that couldn’t be cured (in those days) and on January 10, 1980 he succumbed to his illness. His death certificate says he died from Guillain-Barre Syndrome. My mom and others often wondered if his illness came from serving as a Green Beret in the U.S Army and his death possibly caused by Agent Orange, but either way, he was gone and my family was devastated! She was a widow at the age of 28 with 3 kids, one of which was a baby! Her world was shattered! She lost her one true love, her partner in life, the father of her 3 children, and her best friend! I really don’t know how she managed to continue to do life, other than she had amazing friends who refused to let her give up! All of her family lived off and the only thing she had left here were her children and friends! Oh how thankful I am for the ones who wrapped their arms around her and us kids!!!
Fast-forward a few years! Our mom would go on to marry her second husband, Mike, in 1982. Although he knew what he was walking into, I kind of feel like he didn’t TRULY know. Here he was, a few years younger than my mom, no kids of his own, and he was willing to say, “I do” and take on the role of being a step-dad to 3 kids. Just like that! When they married my sister was 11, my brother was 7, and I was 3. According to Mike, he thought I was a demon when I didn’t get my way and my head would spin around a few times before they could calm me down! You would think that would’ve been a sign for him to hit the door running, but he didn’t!
As if our life wasn’t crazy enough, my mom (at the age of 36) and step-dad decided they needed to add one more addition. So on July 14, 1987 they welcomed our half-brother. At this point, they had a 16 year old, a 12 year old, an 8 year old, and a newborn. Things were getting fun!
Our life wasn’t anywhere near perfect to begin with and now they were left trying to figure out how to deal with teenagers and newborns all at the same time! It was a chore and all 4 of us gave them a run for their money! There are definitely some good memories, but there are also some very haunting memories (at least FOR ME)!
As if our family hadn’t suffered enough loss, our mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in early 2003 at the age of 52. BUT, at that appointment, they told her she’d had it for at least 10 years!!! So that puts her being diagnosed at the age 42 and her life expectancy was approximately 10 more years. The next five years were anticipated to be “good” meaning she would still be able to do most things on her own. But then the following five years we would see her decline and this illness would begin to take such an unforgiving toll on not only her mind, but her body too!
Knowing what I know now, I wish my mom didn’t have to hear that news. From the day they told her what was going on, she broke! The disease that has no cure engulfed her emotions and she was never the same! Although we tried to do everything we could to reassure her that she wouldn’t go through it alone, it didn’t matter. She KNEW she was sick! She KNEW there was no turning back time! And she KNEW there was no getting better!
The doctors were right. She had about 5 years where we could still carry on pieces of conversations and she could do small things on her own. But it seems like once she lost or forgot how to do something such as eating, her body and mind declined faster than anybody would have guessed.
Although my step-dad honored her wish and never put her in a nursing home, the years where she was bedbound with a feeding tube were nothing to be happy about. **I’m not placing blame for the decisions he made; I’m simply speaking from a daughter’s point of view.
Over the years while mom continued to decline in health, it seems like my family disintegrated even more than we already were. Illness/Sickness and death can bring out the ugly! There are relationships that will most likely never be restored and I can’t help but wonder, what if mom were still here? What would it be like if she hadn’t received the news that took her from us all those years ago? And what if there HAD BEEN a cure for Alzheimer’s? There’s no way to know, so why dwell on it. Right?
On October 18th, 2018 my mom drew her last breath on this earth! I was relieved and crushed all at the same time. I wanted her healed, on THIS side of heaven. I wanted HER back! Her, not her with the disease! I felt cheated, again! Because here I was at the age of 39 years old, I felt like an orphan. Yes, I was married with 2 children of my own, but I had no parents.
Growing up with a step-dad was hard enough. I didn’t get to have memories of my biological dad, so I always felt sad about that! Then when my half-brother came along, I felt pushed to the back burner like I was only there to take the blame for things that went wrong. And now, I was saying a final goodbye to the only parent I had left!
Thankfully, I have my “other moms” that I can go to! But as much as I love them, they’ll never be able to take the place of my mom! Although they have certainly stepped in and filled shoes when my dad passed, as well as when my mom passed and I’m forever grateful and thankful for them!
Life has been hard for me. It’s never been a cakewalk and I don’t see any of that changing. I think I will always have to fight the sadness, depression, and anxiety that comes with losing not just one parent, but two! But I do know that I have the option to lean on others or try to do things on my own—and to be honest, that’s never gone well! If you can relate—I’m sure there is someone that can, please know you’re not alone! Reach out to others and know that in the end, you will be okay!
Enjoy Every Moment 