I am…

Having this as a tattoo tends to draw attention and people will often ask what it means! If you’re curious, stick around!

I got the idea from a tattoo that read, “I am worthy” and I knew I wanted something very similar, because my entire life I have struggled with self worth!

I don’t recall A LOT of moments of not liking myself during my childhood! But somewhere from being a child to a teenager things took a really bad turn! Not only did I not like, let alone love, myself! But I didn’t allow others to either! Thankfully, I had some pretty amazing friends who were willing to overlook my negativity and they stood by me through all my crazy moments!

The things I do recall from way back when are all the times I wanted to self harm! All the times I wanted to run away (literally), but I couldn’t bring myself to leave my mom! All the times I sat and cried because I didn’t feel one ounce of love from my step-dad! And all the times I felt worthless and wished I was anything but alive!

Unfortunately not much changed even after I married my husband at the age of 19–may as well say 20! And bless his heart, he had NO CLUE the struggles I carried around! He had no idea about the hurt that was embedded so deep in my heart that it would eventually come between us! And he never suspected that someone could cover up so much pain! And because I never revealed the anger and hurt, it festered!

It wasn’t until my marriage was on the brink of divorce that I had a breakdown! And everything that I had held in for SO MANY YEARS, came tumbling out! At that point the only option I had, if I wanted my family to stay together, was counseling!

I don’t really remember how many sessions I had where I didn’t just sit and cry and tell one haunting detail of my trauma at a time! But it was definitely more than you can count on two hands and two feet together! NOT exaggerating!!! Throughout each session my counselor would continue to tell me I am…, but I never allowed myself to believe her! The damage had already been done and for a really long time I only knew what I had been taught! I had no worth!

I wish I could say that I continuously went to counseling without “quitting” and I was able to turn my life around! I tend to make everything a little more difficult than I should, so once I got comfortable with sharing and thought I was better, I would jump off the train! For the record, I don’t recommend that! Any like most things, when you stop doing what you know “works”, things begin to unravel WAY faster than you can gain control!

I’m very blessed that each time I walked back through the door, I was welcomed with open arms, because that sure isn’t how things were growing up! And it was during one of these sessions that something inside me finally clicked and I realized my counselor had been right all along, and I am…

I don’t always live my life according to the words I have etched on the surface of my skin, but when life takes me through dark storms I simply look down and remind myself: I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough!