Secrets

If I have experience in anything, it is in keeping secrets! There are so many scars that I have and it took me a really long time to reveal the things that I kept inside for WAY TOO LONG!

The thing I have finally learned is how detrimental secrets can be! Keeping things inside never allows you to fully heal! And hiding what you’ve been through, can actually hinder the future friendships and relationships that you are meant to be apart of!

Starting around the age of 10, males begin to notice me! Some were within a few years of me, others were not! Some were neighbors, one was family (my BIL)! But what every incident has in common, I NEVER TOLD ANYONE!!! I kept everything a secret because I didn’t want to be viewed as a liar, jealous, or instigator! Every single incident causes some vile to creep up in the back of my throat, even as I’m telling you!

See, I was so use to this kind of behavior from males, that I guess I thought it was normal. Or maybe I just was too scared! I dont know why I kept it to myself, other than I knew that what was happening was wrong, but I somehow thought I would be blamed!

I won’t go into every story, mainly because I’m not sure the age of my audience, but I’m going to touch on a few. This is a fair ⚠️ in case you want to come back tomorrow!

Actually***I cant. Without tears streaming down my face knowing that there isn’t one incident worse or better than any other–I just cant. I can tell you, without a doubt, on several occasions, God intervened! I dont know why, but I remember my brother calling my name as I was about to be raped and it scared the kid off! But he never knew! My brother had no idea what was happening! And it was only 2 years ago when I decided to share this gut wrenching story with him! So for about 25 (or more) years, I’ve replayed the agonizing situation on repeat because it was a secret and how ignorant would I look for bringing up the past?! Thankfully my brother responded by engulfing me in a deep hug surrounded by silence and let me grieve something that I’d kept to myself for so many years!

My husband, he got the bad end of the deal! Because the one who should’ve known every chilling detail to every situation, he was clueless! He had no idea the physical/sexual trauma that I had been through until 15 or so years into our marriage. And literally, one day I fell apart! I started with one story and couldn’t help it………I had diarrhea of the mouth at that point and there was no turning back! Inthink every emotion you can feel as a human went flooding through him that day! And the one thing that I couldn’t give him, was why I had never said anything! But I STILL don’t know!

If what I just told you wasn’t enough, I’ve also kept secrets as an adult! I’m not perfect and neither are you! And I absolutely know things that I wish I didn’t!!! But I also know keeping secrets for others has its own consequences! But it is not my job or my place to reveal what was told to me in confidence! Even if a friendship fades, who am I to destroy someone else? And don’t get me wrong, I hate knowing some of the things I know, BUT….

As you see, secrets can be very unhealthy and detrimental if you’re not careful! If you TRULY can’t tell a loved one, get a counselor! Unless it is illegal, they CANNOT tell a soul! And I can tell you, I’ve opened up more to my counselor about certain things because I didn’t want to or couldn’t bring myself to speak about them with my husband! (Yes he knows everything NOW)! The best thing you can do for your own health–mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually…….don’t keep secrets bottled up! Phone a friend or relative–but don’t go through life thinking you don’t have a choice–because you do!