Oh this one might be hard to swallow! But if you’ll stick with me, it might help in more ways than one! I just dont think that I’m the only person who has sat and cried and wondered “why am I here?”, and it’s been in these moments where I’ve hated me, and everything about me! But I’m here to tell you, the only way things will start looking up is if you stop hating you!
No matter how you got on this self loathing train–what matters now is–how do you get off? It won’t be easy! And I can almost guarantee, the longer you have had these feelings, the harder it’s going to be to change your thought patterns, BUT it can be done!
When I try to remember my childhood, I can only recall the moments that were oh so haunting. I truly believe I probably should have seen some kind of doctor, but that wasn’t real common (I don’t think) when I was young! And even if being ‘diagnosed’ was normal, my parents never REALLY OR TRULY knew the hate I carried around, mainly for myself!
One moment that plays over and over in my mind is when I was about 10 years old. I had a little red suitcase that read, “going to grandma’s” and had a picture of a little girl. I was in such a deep state of depression that I packed it with as much stuff as I could get in it and I waited until dark! When everyone was in bed it was time to make my move! I was going to run away and nobody would know! Instead of following through, I sat in my room and cried. Where would I go? What would happen to me if I actually left? And my final thought that probably saved my life was, “my mom would be devasted!” Looking back, I STILL can’t truly comprehend what was going on that caused me to want to get away from everyone that I knew loved me! What I do know is, I hated myself and I felt very alone!!!
Fast forward to being a teenager, things really didn’t change much! I started drinking and did other things I’m not proud of to try to self soothe! I recall going to the cliffs with some friends and a storm rolled in, plus it was almost curfew! Basically, it was time to go! Instead of “being normal” and getting in the truck to leave, I went and hid! **I told y’all I was crazy** My friends called out and were looking everywhere, but I hid well. I didn’t want them to find me. And I didn’t care if they found me. I eventually got scared enough to come out and we left. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident! Disappearing when I went out with friends was pretty common! Yes, part of the reason I did it was for attention! But the main reason? I didn’t want to be! I wanted to be “gone”! But (thankfully) I wasn’t brave enough to cause harm to myself. The pain and hurt that comes with hating yourself, leaves deep scars that really never heal (at least for me)!
Moving on! I got married pretty young. I pushed for a marriage to get out of the house because I hated my life! And for some reason, I felt if I started something new, my life would be this fairy tale and everything would be great! Well, if you’ve followed my blog, then you know that isn’t how things have gone! I shamefully tell you, I continued to hate me and because I hated me, I made sure others around me did to! In fact, I sabotaged and manipulated every situation I could to make sure nobody else was happy either! My latest episode consisted of me “defriending” family (mine and Ryan’s) on Facebook because I was done. I burned A LOT of bridges over the last several months because I was unhappy with myself and my life! I was ready to get a divorce because I mentally couldn’t take the hurt and the pain that I felt anymore! **My husband gratefully agreed to love me through it and we are continuing to work things out!
I’m here to tell you, things CAN be better! But it takes a whole lot of work! I decided to start seeing a counselor about 5 years ago and it has proven to be ONE of the things that saved my marriage! I also decided to talk to my doctor and I do take medicine to help me cope with life a little bit better than I can do on my own!
I tell you my story so that I can give others hope. I tell you my story to help end the stigma that help is a sign of weakness! And I tell you my story to let you know, you’re not alone! My entire life I have felt pain that NOBODY should have to to go through! Staying silent will only prolong the darkness you carry inside! If you hate you, reach out to someone! If you dont have anybody you can trust–reach out to me! I’ve been there! I know the pain! And I won’t judge!
Please, stop hating you! Get the help you need! You are here for a reason! There IS a purpose for your life! You DO have loved ones that would be completely devasted if you left! Not many will understand the hurt and the pain that you carry, but some will! You might be surprised at how many people actually KNOW this type of pain because they’ve been in OUR shoes! In the end, it is up to you! You can continue to carry the hurt on your own, or you can reach out and start to heal! Choose wisely! Life is short!
Enjoy Every Moment 