D.I.V.O.R.C.E–it could never happen to me

FULL DISCLOSURE–my husband reads everything before it goes viral–so yes–he knows this is out there! Yes, this is hard for us both! Yes, people will judge! No–I don’t care! I firmly believe that A: starting this blog has tremendously helped me in a really weird way. B: I believe everything I write is helping others! And perhaps not every single post will resonate with you specifically, but I do believe when it finds its way to others–it can be a sense of relief! So grab your coffee and have a sit! This one could get long!

When I hear other people say, “I would NEVER do that”or “I would never forgive them if”…..it is a little bothersome. Why? Because nobody is perfect! Nobody is exempt from mistakes and therefore, nobody is exempt from needing to forgive others! And yes, this post will be geared more towards spouses, but for the record, it is true no matter the relationship!

I’m going to be very raw here…..my marriage isn’t perfect! I know, you’re all shocked and can’t believe it! But it’s true! We have had so many ups and so many downs! I almost feel like, at one point, there were a whole lot more downs than ups! But that’s the thing about marriage–there isn’t a finish line!  You never reach a point where, once you reach a certain “anniversary” and number of years married, then it’s smooth sailing from there! It’s ALWAYS going to be work! It’s always going to require sacrifice from both parties! And like it or not, you’re BOTH going to mess up from time to time!

I use to think once couples had been married for 20 years or so that they had it made. They must living the dream! And I certainly (in my younger years) would have NEVER imagined that someone who had been married that long would end up…..deep breath……divorced! But the cold hard truth is, the love that people have for each other sometimes fade! Sometimes it fades because of pain that one or both parties have caused. Sometimes it fades due to lack of communication! And sometimes it fades because one or both people just stop trying! But the thing is, NOBODY is for a fact exempt from this happening! N.O.B.O.D.Y! Including you! The one reading! Never say never! It’s a hard lesson to learn! And crow doesn’t taste very good–I should know!

Obviously if you’ve hung around to this point you are wondering what my story is! I’ve said in numerous blogs that I won’t write about something I haven’t been through! So here it goes! I met my husband at 18 1/2 and we married when I was 19 (turned 20 one month later). He is 4 1/2 years older. And for the record it needs to be said–I was very, VERY immature! In no way, shape, or form was I ready to be a wife! But nevertheless, there I was…..a bride……walking down the isle! If only we had known what the future would hold for us–I’m pretty sure we both would have ran the other way–far and fast! But we didn’t! Instead, we looked each other in the eye, repeated all of the lines the preacher gave us and in the end we both said, “I do”! I wish I could say everything has been peaches and roses since then, but it hasn’t!

In no way has my husband been perfect! But in no way has he been 100% to blame! And since I’m being real, I would say the ratio of ‘who has been hurt’ verses ‘who has done the hurting’ would probably be something like 80/20! You read that right! 80% of the time, I have been the one who has done the hurting! On purpose? Sometimes (I told you I was “VERY” IMMATURE”)! Why? Well, I’ve been in counseling for about 5 years and I’m still working through that one! But my husband will be the first to know when there’s a definite answer! And maybe that sounds like the easy way out–well–good thing I dont have to answer to you! The purpose for this particular blog is to let you know–things might be hard right now, but there is hope! I also want to encourage both parties to never give up! Whether you caused pain or you need to forgive for the pain you’ve been through–PLEASE DONT GIVE UP!

**IF you are in an abusive relationship–get help and get out!!!! That is most definitely, not love!!!

I won’t go into every little thing that I’ve done wrong! But I will straight up be honest and tell you, my immaturity and mistakes have put us on the brink of divorce –more than than once since our marriage in May of 1999. Ryan has chosen to continue to stand by me even though I’ve been an addict to something (alcohol, prescriptions, self sabotage, bpd, depression) our entire marriage! And he deserves a whole lot more than I can offer him, but he chooses to stay–that is pure love!

The REALLY hard part about our marriage is how many times I have hurt him or let him down! Each and every time I end up saying, “I’m sorry” and “I’ll get help” but I continue to hurt him over and over! And during those times, I really was sorry AND I really did get help through my counselor! It’s when I think I’m okay and I stop my medicine aka counseling, when things go down hill, AGAIN! Don’t stop reading now, because I’m fixing to make you feel really good about your decisions!

The last “episode” I had was this past October! I came down with the Rona and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It started with a slight ear infection and in less than 10 hours I was crawling on the floor to get to my bath because I was freezing! To spare time, let’s just say that Ryan ended up with it as well! In order to prevent the boys from catching it, they moved out for 2 weeks! Once the rona passed, we were still quarantined and this is where everything we had fell off the wagon!

We had known we needed to call our t.v provider to get an update on our equipment. We had it all set up, then covid! As we are continuing to lose channels daily I asked Ryan, “when are they coming out to fix our t.v?” And he responds with, “soon I hope”! Now listen, I told you I was going to make you feel better–and I am! When he said those words, KNOWING he had NOT rescheduled, I lost it (on the inside)! Keep reading! We exchanged a few words and I left to grab food. When I come back home he proceeds to tell me how he scheduled for them to come and I ignored him! This happens several times and I finally lost every bit of dignity I had and told him to *********! Use your imagination! All of those mean, hurtful, ridiculous words over a TV appointment! From there, the last 20 years that we had spent together went spinning down the drain and neither of us tried to stop it! We were both tired of trying and forgiving each other, so we both sat and watched everything we had worked for disappear before our very eyes! Did we seriously come to the topic of divorce over a tv appointment? Not exactly! That just happened to be what made the tower of hurt topple over, and it came down with a vengeance!

From October to December we spoke a total of 3 times! Do the math–that is ONCE A MONTH! We were both done and we literally said nothing to each other to the point where we would have 2 gallons of milk because we each went to the store but didn’t tell each other (I DO NOT recommend this)! It was a really somber 3 months of living in the same location, but living different lives all at the same time! I even went as far to post our house and land for sale on Facebook! And if that wasn’t enough, I contacted his family and told them we were done and we were getting divorced! I was done! He was done! There was NO HOPE and no turning back! We were both damaged and no brand of glue was going to hold our pieces together! It was a lost cause!

Over Christmas break–like end of the year–New years eve maybe–we had a sit down! I kept trying to make plans to find another place to go so we had to communicate at that point. After a lot of yelling, anger, and tears I told him I just wanted a fresh start! A redo! Ya know, to make things right! And to my surprise, he agreed! But before we could just “move on” we had to have several REALLY HARD conversations! They were mostly centered around my (hurtful) actions AND my immaturity (at the age of 41 1/2)! **talk about embarrassing** when I told you it was 80/20, I wasn’t lying!

Now here it is February of 2021 and I’m telling my readers why you should never say never in your marriage! The hurt I’ve caused Ryan is pure hell! And this isn’t really even half of it! But what I’ve learned is, marriage is hard! Marriage is a whole lot of work! And it most definitely takes two to keep it going! Although this particular story doesn’t end in a D.I.V.O.R.C.E, it very easily could have! Every day we both have to commit to being married and to handle each other with love!

I dont know that we would be able to make it through another episode like the one I just told you about! I count myself blessed that Ryan was willing to look beyond every fault and crazy moment and give me a redo! Not many men would! I know what I have, and more importantly, I know what I ALMOST lost! I’m here to tell you, it can happen to anybody! Never say never–because that train ride will take you through every deep dark tunnel there is! And it goes so fast that it’s hard to jump off and the landing will hurt more than the ride itself!

I imagine I’m getting judged pretty harshly by some of you right now–and that’s okay! Im not married to you, so no hard feelings! I’ve said from the beginning of my blog, I’ll always be honest and I’ll never write on something I haven’t been through myself! So if you managed to stay until the end, I want to encourage you, keep going! Keep fighting for what you have! Don’t just give up and let go! Hang on to what you have! If divorce has already come and gone, then pick up your pieces and start putting them back together. If you need a friend–I’m here! I can’t give advice through the final stages, but I can lend an ear and share more pieces of my journey that I chose not to put in this particular post! In the end, you will be okay! I promise you that! But never say never…..