Addictions

What do you think of when you hear the word addiction? Drugs? Alcohol? Gambling? Those all fall under that category, right? Afterall, an addiction is something you choose not to stop or give up easily on your own. I mean, just don’t go to the casino. Just stay away from people who sell or do drugs. Just pass the liquor store and keep driving. But is it REALLY that easy? Because I think we tend to use the word addiction ONLY when we can see the effects from the outside looking in! But in my 41 years of life I’m beginning to realize that an addiction doesn’t always mean alcohol, drugs or gambling! No, I think everybody has an addiction to something, regardless if they want to admit it or not! Maybe I’m wrong! Maybe there are some people out there who never struggle or battle with anything. I sure would like to be their best friend right now so I could walk through this journey, called life, a little easier!

I never would have imagined that I would be talking about addiction. Mainly because it was never anything I dealt with (so I thought), therfore I had no room or reason to comment! But at the age of 41 and having a lot of time to self reflect, I realized that I CAN offer up advice, because I HAVE been an addict myself. And I’d be willing to bet you have too. It’s very possible that my struggles and yours look very different though. But either way, if we are both real with ourselves, there will always be something that we struggle with (past or present), and need help letting it go!

I’ve always been honest so there’s no need for me not to be right now. I have been (at times) addicted to alcohol. And looking WAY back, I realize that I have also been addicted to pills (mine were always prescription–because that makes it better somehow)! But that’s not the reason for THIS particular blog. You see, I’ve also struggled and (dare I say) I have been addicted to depression, anxiety, bpd, and the list goes on. And before you get mad at me for saying those things are an addiction please listen…….FOR ME…..they were addictions! How, you ask? Because I didn’t WANT to fix myself because I used ALL of those to self sabotage so I would get attention. Admitting I needed help would have meant that I could no longer play the victim of my circumstances. I LITERALLY was addicted to the need for attention–and unfortunately, I was addicted to the need of negative attention. Yes, I’m ashamed and embarrassed–but I can’t change the past and I’m hoping this helps someone! You see, anytime there was positive energy around me–I ALWAYS found a way to disrupt it! Why? Because I was addicted to the need of having others ask, “what’s wrong?”! I was addicted to the depression and bpd and I had zero interest in getting help in order to be a better person! And like an addict who is on drugs, everybody around me knew I was toxic–and sometimes they would point it out–and that’s when I would cut them from my life! That’s how I lived my life for a VERY LONG TIME! Because I didn’t want to admit the truth–I was an addict!

Now that I take meds and I am able to recognize when the depression and anxiety is coming on, I’m able to prepare myself beforehand. I don’t always get it right, and I still have my days where I let it conquer me, but those days are few and far between! The most important thing right now is, I’m trying! I’m trying to be better than the person I was so many years ago, but I’m also trying to be better than I was yesterday! And everyday, IT IS A CHOICE! A hard one at that! So, I have to choose if I’m going to succumb to the addictions, or if I’m going to put them down and walk away one day at a time!

By now, those of you who have been fortunate enough to have NO IDEA what any of this is like, then I would ask you, what is YOUR addiction? Maybe yours is shopping and running credit cards up ✔, or constantly overeating ✔, perhaps yours is the opposite and you’re addicted to working out ✔, or maybe you’re a workaholic ✔ and you need to learn to say no. Maybe, just maybe, you’re addicted to a very high self-esteeem and bragging or showing off ✔ . There’s even a chance that your addiction is going anywhere except home ✔! And for goodness sake, maybe your addiction is Facebook ✔ ✔ ✔ or another form of social media! If you remember, at the beginning I told you an addiction is anything you can’t or choose not to stop on your own. And I could add to that and say an addiction is ANYTHING that you put before your family! So what is yours and what steps do you need to take to lay it down? Who do you need to lean on for help? Who can you share your journey with knowing you won’t be judged? If you have no one, then contact me! Because if that’s the case, what a better place to start? A stranger who has been in your shoes and has no reason or need to judge you!

If you truly cannot name anything that you see as an addiction, ask your friends and family what they see you putting all of your work, time, and energy into that you need to scale back on. If you’re not ready for an honest answer, then don’t ask! Here is where a self evaluation would probably be the best! You recognizing/admitting where you need improvement will help you in the long run. Make sure you give yourself some grace when you find the area(s) of weakness(es). Regardless if your addiction can be seen by others or if it’s one you have kept in the closet, you CAN lay it down, if you want to! But it has to be your choice! In the end, you’ll be thankful you did it sooner rather than later!