Sink or swim

Life is a whirlwind and it is constantly changing! There are moments where we feel on top of the world and superior to everything around us! Then there are the moments where we feel forgotten and our only wish is for the storms surrounding us to just take us out, so the heartache will stop! At least that is what my life has been like!

My story is filled with ups and (what seems like) a WHOLE LOT of downs! Looking back, I needed some serious help and interventions, such as counseling and probably medication. But because my behavior and attitude was wrote off as being “a teenager”, no one realized or maybe they just didnt want to intervene and I was allowed to go through life with a chip on my shoulder! **this did NOT help things** Therefore, I had to learn real quick if I was going to sink or swim through the trials of life!

I can recall so many moments where I played the victim and allowed myself to sink all because I wanted attention. And I totally became the one who cried wolf and eventually lost out on many things because of stubbornness! At times, I held my own head under the water in hopes of someone coming to my rescue! And usually, there was always that ONE person who would walk beside me long enough for me to catch my breath! This was how I lived life so it happened again and again, day after day! And once EVERYONE in my life got tired of it, it was like driving into a brick wall at 70 MPH! NOT FUN! Playing victim didnt catch up to me until about 35–yes….years! I had 2 children and had been married for 15 years! I had 1 friend who never left me (during this specific time), regardless of my poor decision making (thanks Al)! And then on the other side, there were a whole lot of people who (probably) wished I would drown and be done. NOT JOKING! Choosing to sink NEVER worked in my favor and looking back, I REALLY REALLY dislike myself for making those types of decisions, because that is time wasted that I will NEVER get back! I can’t go back and be a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, in-law, and probably the most bothersome feeling is that I can’t go back and be a better mother to my 2 amazing children who I know I’ve let down time after time! They’ve deserved nothing but the best–and I took that away from them!

Once the tsunami of life crashed down, I had no choice but to learn to swim! It was hard! It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to MAKE myself do! I had to relearn how to do life the right way! Am I embarrassed? Heck to the yeah! But I’ve shared this much, so why stop?! You see, once I had no other choice but to get help, there was no turning back to my old ways! I knew that going back would cause me to lose everything! And I had gotten way too close to the ledge, on my own, that I didn’t want to see life from that view ever again! So I did the steps! I found help and shared my story, repeatedly, and asked God to do something I had never done before…….I asked him to “change me” because that’s what my counselor asked me to do! Did I do this the first time she asked me to? That’d be a big fat no! In fact, it took me a really long time to even think about saying those words! But once I did, and meant it………my life changed! It was like I knew how to swim all along, but had been choosing not to! And that doesn’t mean that I never swallowed some water along the way and needed to be rescued, it just means that more often than not, I was able to go through life with my head above water! I was able to identify when the waves were headed my way and then I got to decide if I was going to sink by battling them head on, or if I was going to let the them carry me as far as they could, then start swimming once they began to dissipate!

I think too many people are under the impression that choosing to swim is the easy answer for everyone! But unless you’ve been in situations where it’s easier to “give up” you’ll probably never TRULY know why people, much like myself, choose to sink instead of fighting to just to stay afloat! A few things that come to mind when I see others going under instead of fighting to swim are: depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, panic attacks, self-esteem issues, insomnia, self blame, ptsd (trauma from life), and these are just a few! And if I’m going to continue to be honest, the ones I listed are the ones I’ve personally dealt with!

Choosing to swim will not always be the easy thing to choose! In fact, more often than not, it will probably be the hardest choice! But what I do know is……in the end, you’ll be glad you chose to keep your head above the waves instead of letting them take you under! And eventually, others will begin to watch you and it will inspire them to keep going too! So when the storm rolls in and everything is dark, take a deep breath in and remember that you get to choose if you will sink or swim!