Learn to trust, again

Do you remember? Do you know where you were? The sounds? The smells? The things going on around you? Do you recall EVERY SINGLE THING about the day when your trust was broken?! Because I do! And my trust wasn’t broken just once or twice, not three or four times, can’t stop at 5 or 6 either….no…..my number is way too high when it comes down to counting how many times I’ve been deceived OR have been taken advantage of, and I could name every specific detail surrounding each moment in time!

My trauma started at the age of 5. Then again at the age of 9, again at 10, also twice at the age of 14 and unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. So as you can imagine I have always felt like damaged goods! And to make things even worse, I NEVER told one single person! NOPE! Not even my husband! We had been married for about 15 years before I disclosed any of the things that happened to me! I was ashamed, embarrassed, and hated myself for not divulging anything to anyone! And honestly, I tried to push all of those emotions down just so I didn’t have to deal with them! But when you have been through so much, and life goes on, you have to learn how to adjust. You learn to be a spouse (if you choose to marry), you learn to be a parent (if you choose to have children) and things just tend to topple over and everything comes falling out without any warning, whether you want it to or not! At least that’s how it happened for me!

I’m sure some of you are wondering how I can unveil such personal details of my life and why I’m choosing to publicize issues of my own! Well, first of all, everything I’ve written to this point has (LITERALLY) been stuff I’ve been through first hand! And 2nd, if my story helps even one person, then it will be worth it all!

Some people would think after all I’ve been through that I would be this depressed and miserable person who hates life! You’re right, I have been, at times! But once I had no choice (emotionally) but to say the words “I was abused”, that’s when my life got turned upside down! And in the long run, it was just what I needed to happen!

My first step was to see a counselor! Choosing a good one was definitely important, and I hate to say it, but I went through more than one! The next step was to share my story! Once I was able to open up, I started feeling a weight lift off of me! But hear me out……this was NOT an easy, just go talk about your feelings once, and boom it’s done! It took me time and time again to say the words all while sobbing uncontrollably AND I had to decipher who I could trust! I had to become immensely vulnerable each and every time I chose to reveal what I’d been through—and that was a very hard thing to do! To this day, I still have a lot of emotional issues—but I’m working on those!

So what is your story? What have you kept bottled up that nobody knows about? What do you need to reveal in order to truly trust others again? Who or what has been the root of all the pain you have? How can you release all of the emotions that you’ve kept under lock and key for so long? These are all questions that only you can answer! Telling your story might even mean that others judge you, which is what held me back for so long! I guess that will always be a fear that you have to let go!

What I do know is that there ARE people who are placed in our lives at the exact time we need them the most! I also know that, unfortunately, not every single person who I share my story with will continue to be a part of my life. But I’ve learned that the more I’m able to voice my pain to someone I trust, the more my heart begins to heal, regardless if we are friends for life and talk daily, or we move on because our purpose for each other has been served! 

Just like I can recall all the times I was scarred, I can also recall the moment(s) that I began to heal! I can put myself right back in the spot with all the same senses just like I could during all those times when I was being hurt! And now, I can smile, with mist in my eyes, and be oh so thankful for the friends who were willing to hold my hand, give me their shoulders to cry on, and just be there to listen! Not to respond, not to give advice on what to do next, and certainly not to tell me how I could’ve made things better or done them differently! No, they knew I just needed to get it out and THAT helped me heal faster than any self soothing techniques that I’d already tried a hundred times before!

I’m here to encourage you to tell your story! Start with a journal if you need to! But start somewhere! Don’t put it off any longer! When you allow yourself to speak of the pain you’ve been holding on to, you can AND WILL, learn to trust again!